Bourbon Street, USA

We've all heard of them.... those 7 majestic wonders of the world. Even Kimberly Locke, who rose to American Idol fame with her beautiful pipes, tried to secure a spot for her un-named lover, as the 8th wonder. But I'm here to announce, my own fantastic opinion on such the idea of an "8th wonder", hereby snatching that title from Kim's anonymous lover... and frankly, if he must remain anonymous, he probably doesn't deserve the honor anyway.

That aside, I would like to name (because I am an authority on such matters, just sayin) Bourbon Street, USA as the next wonder of the world. The 8th natural beauty of this fabulous earth. Glorious and beautiful, Bourbon Street is a shoo in, I believe, for just such an honor. And maybe, as native Louisianians (what a spell check nightmare!) do, we take for granted our Bourbon St heritage, not fully realizing that our fellow American countrymen might not have experienced the wonders of the French Quarter? Almost a magical place, there is no place like the Dirty South's geographical location of the Quarter... and yes, it is indeed dirty. Really dirty. Oh so very, very wonderfully dirty. But us southern folk like our fun good and "dirty"! Think, crawfish, boudin and beer.

We like our food spicy and original, and our beer cold. We eat crustaceans that live in ditches, with corn and potaoes. We concoct frozen beverages named after devastating tragic weather events, and 4 a.m. illegal behavior. But it's Bourbon St., and anything goes. Seven days a week, 24 hours a day... except on Sunday mornings, when the street sweeper arrives, giving us Bourbon-ites the opportunity to head to the nearest Cathlolic establishment (and yes, all of our religious buildings begin with the word "Saint", along with our football team, go figure, we love ourselves!) with our rosary beads, and "Hail Mary's" in tow, we hit up the nearest confessional where we get down on our knees and plead for forgiveness. For those who can't make it to plead for priestly mercy, we can be found pleading the 5th at the closest Quarter precinct. But you just have to face it, in Louisiana, throw out enough Hail Mary's, and you're always forgiven. That's a fact! It just isn't a worthy time on Bourbon, if you don't leave our super state with a hurricane hangover, colorful beads from going topless, and a rap sheet... that's just how we roll in the Dirty South.

Even for the most reserved bunch, one night in the Quarter can bring out the deepest, unknown wildest desires and behavior. It's a well known American saying, "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas", but down here in the south, we like to say, "What happens on Bourbon, usually ends up on the net, (or in jail) and we LIKE it that way!!".... and yes, if I'm being honest, periodically on Joe Francis' Girls Gone Wild videos. Either way, it doesn't count if you can't remember it! No memory or recollection equals one grand time! If you wish, you make take photographs to help jog your brain afterward, but true Louisianians believe that pictures = evidence, and we strongly discourage it. Yet, sadly, I've come to realize, that there are actually living and breathing people, who can not say, "This one time, on Bourbon street..." So I, as the self proclaimed, "Bourbon Queen of the Damned", would personally love to have the majestic honor, of changing that fact in this country! Call it a rite of passage. List it as a prerequisite for graduation of high school. Put it on the requirements of the U.S. Citizenship test. Whatever it takes, really, just get them northern folks down here to the Dirty South....where anything is allowed, and all is forgiven.

Once I secure this procurement, of establishing Bourbon Street as the 8th natural wonder of the world (even though, I firmly believe it should be listed as the FIRST, bumping The Temple of Artemis right on out of that coveted position) I would like to bring to your attention just a few simple words of Quarter wisdom... or reminders, for you first timers.

1. Never keep important items in your pockets. You will lose them...
2. Never put important items in your pack of "Cowboy Killers" (Marlboros, to you non smokers) you will lose them...
3. Never let go of important items in a cab driven by a foreign national. You will lose them...
4. And always, and I mean ALWAYS bring extra brain cells to New Orleans, and our dirty south. Because I can say, with complete certainly and first hand experience, you WILL lose them...

A great friend pointed out to me not too terribly long ago, after enough booze and fun Bourbon Street partake-age, losing everything you own in the French Quarter, well, just seems unimportant and ok, slightly trivial! To us true Bourbon-ites, that typical scenerio just has "good freaking time" written all over it! :) Besides, as my friend likes to say, "If it's not part of your body, don't worry about losing it while drunk!!!" 'cause yea.... that's just how we roll, down here in the dirty south. So bring your skimpiest clothes, and your American Express. Bring your friends, and bring your kin... just don't bring your kids. Unless they're over the age of 5, then by all means, all are welcome after dark... In the dirty, dirty south. And that, my friends, is what it's all about.

Seriously.... I want the Nobel Peace prize for this.