So today, I'm going to venture out of my norm, and give you all more than a "surface glimpse" of who I am, and a passing glance into my life. Call it a mini bio, if you will. But I had one hell of a night and well, I'm having a hard time finding my humor today. Bear with me...I'm a rambler.
I'm 36. Almost 37. And up until a few months ago, I thought I had my life pretty much figured out. I was seriously mistaken. I've lived a crazy and often chaotic life. Married for 14 years to a Master Sergeant in the United States Air Force, I have 2 kids, and 1 cat who thinks she's a dog. Currently, I'm going through a messy divorce as well. I've always been a writer. Words are beautiful to me, and I love being able to express myself through the written word. I just love how they sound. I see something on TV, read something in the news, or just hear a word or phrase coming out of a friends mouth, and before I know it.... Ive written 10 pages. And yes, I still use paper and pen. Old school.
But, I'm not here to talk about my writing. I'm here to tell my story: and this is it.....
I was molested at age 8, raped at 13; I guess you could say I've been through my fair share of pain. And you're right, I have. I was adpoted at birth, and my biological mother is a crack addicted, part time innmate. My real father, whom I never got the chance to meet, is deceased. I partied hard in school....which was my self medicated attempt at easing my pain, but only served to leave me scarred and a mother at 18 years old. But I'm a survivor....and I'm surviving.
Before marrying the man I'm currently divorcing, I was married once before to a cowboy punk who walked out on me one Christmas Day. I could have cried like everyone else, and honestly, I probably did shed a tear or two. But those tears weren't for the loss of a marraige, they were for the death of my child that I had just lost that same Christmas morning due to a miscarraige. No, the tears weren't for that cowboy, who just abandoned me and left me alone in my pain. They were for my unborn. But I'm a survivor.....and I'm still surviving.
Five miscarraiges later, and a new husband in the Air Force who I was supposed to grow old with, somehow I ended up in white picket fence suburbia.... with 2 children, a home, and a cat. I wasn't surviving any longer, I was "living". Thinking back now, and the lie it all became, I never fully expected my life to come crashing down on me the way that it did; so fast, and so hard. But it did, and miraculously, I still survived it.
It started off small. Little things, that although not easily overcome, were still somehow manageable. My daughter was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease, my son with Autism. Between the 3 of us, we have life threatening allergies, heart conditions, and auto-immune disorders. We have a gastroenterologist, a cardiologist, an allergist, an opthamologist, a rheumotologist and an endocrinologist. And that's just to name a FEW! :) Yet, through it all, I simply "wrote". My thoughts to pen, my pen to paper. Letting those thoughts guide me through every turn, and every storm. I learned to turn inward, to rely on my own soul for wisdom, words and peace. Until August, it worked beautifully....we are survivors, and we are surviving.
But in August of 2009, while in the midst of planning a family move overseas to Japan with the military, I found out that my husband of 14 years had been molesting and abusing my daughter for 11 years. Life, as I knew it, came screeching do a dead halt. I lost my soul. I lost my family. I lost my strength, and for the first time, I also lost my words. Then, as fate would have it, I lost my job as well. I became blank. Void. Empty. Scarred, and terrified beyond measure. Grieving over a life I once had, but one that had been stripped away from me in a fraction of a second. Never to return again. My entire life was a lie, and now even the LIE was gone. And so I begin to ask myself, AM I really and truly a survivor? Because I'm losing my will to survive....
Since before I can remember, I've always had this ability, or maybe a "gift", to take the good with the bad of the things I've been dealt and get back up, only faltering for just a moment. I nurture them, with kid gloves. Caress them, cuddle them, make peace with them...I learn from everything, and everyone, always allowing life's experiences to mold me, and shape me, into what I'm supposed to be in this life. Never, ever, taking for granted what I can learn from any one single thing, place or event. I've always been a survivor.... beautifully surviving.
But how could I learn from THIS?? From this monster of a life event? How? A husband who had done the unthinkable to my flesh and blood. I didn't understand, didn't understand these feelings I was being thrown... such a multitude of emotion, all over the place.... failing at my attempts to reel them in. Left in a place of total despair and disarray. A place, I was afraid, would render me completely frozen in time. Pain, aftermath, restraining orders, polygraphs, court and detectives, all the while frozen in my mind, only helping to make the colorless walls cave in faster in my soul. Is this really my life now? Not only can I not breathe, I can not even find the air thats supposed to enter into my lungs to begin with. Eventually, I did find that air. And it feels good to me now. As I type this today, I've re-read all the things I had written in those first days back in August, and I smile.... to myself, and to my family and friends. I've come along way. In life, and also in the past couple of months. I still do not know, what my day to day life will bring to me each morning when I arise. But I don't worry too terribly much, for I have no power to change them. And even if I did, I wouldn't. Because I'm a survivor....and I'm still surviving.
A week into the aftermath, a great friend told me: "Today, I'm taking you out of your box that you're in. Put all that crisis into that box, seal it up and leave it there, if only for today. I'm taking you out of it, and I'm not giving you a choice in the matter. Turn off your phone, leave it in the box as well. It will all still be there tomorrow, unchanged, and you can return to it then."
So I did. And I have to say, that single act was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Yet, it was the best advice I was given, and listened to. For whatever the reason, I did it. I left my pain, my thoughts, and my fears in that box. And suprisingly, the next day, when I returned to that beautiful painful box of hell, it occured to me that I didn't want back in... and damnit I haven't been back in since! Oh, I take it out every single day. I talk to it, hold it, touch it... make sure it's all still in there. But get back in that box of hell? Never again. Finally I am at peace. With myself, my mind and my soul. My words have been given back to me, and they are as beautiful and glorious as ever before. I have found my "place", and it's outside of that box.
And while I may have lost everything.....my life, my family, my marriage, my world, my life; in doing so, I have gained everything back in return and so much more. No, my life isn't easier, or the same. But it's still good; imperfectly marred, and insanely beautiful. Not only am I truly blessed for the things I've been through, the things that I've learned, and the things that I have now, but I am finally happy....and at peace. And even though yes, I'm surving life, I like to better desribe as LIVING IT, finally.....
and that? IS MY STORY!!!
"Elizabeth"
Editors note:
As of today, while writing this blog, I was informed that my phone is about to be turned off for lack of payment, my lovely husband elected retirement so as to not have to pay me hardly any child support/alimony, and my car insurance is also being canceled at the end of the month....Oh, and as winter is fast approaching, my heater just went out as well! Welcome to Hollywood, where dreams come true baby, dreams come true!
And yet, even still, I will learn from this, grow from this, remain true to my heart, and come out alive...and yes, I will still be living my life as I have always done in the past, now, and in the future. Now, anyone want to send me some money? Or maybe give me a job? I heard from some very knowledgable people, that I am an excellent writer :) oh yeah, I'm not joking... I need a damn job, and some help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Advertising Slogans Turned On
Look, I don't pretend to understand or know exactly how my mind operates. I make no excuses for my vulgarity and my over-the-top writing. Topics and/or style. It is what it is, and I am what I am. Seriously, I don't know where the hell this stuff comes from. I've tried for years to figure out my brain..... with no luck. People say, "Don't ever stop writing!", "You're so freaking funny, you make me laugh!" - but the truth of the matter is, I really doubt they know just how twisted my mind really is!! But hey, I can't stop these creative juices from flowing......
Earlier, I was wondering (and reading labels while in the bathtub, yeah, I admit it! I'm a label reader!) And well, it got me thinking....(shut up) But as I was reading said labels, it occured to me that maybe I'm not the only sick fucker in the world!! Cuz lookie lookie what I FOUND!! Read on.....
13. Pledge - "Did you know that Pledge is great for shining and polishing wood?"
.....(I can think of a few other things that do that as well, just sayin...)
14. Milk - "It Does A Body Good"
.....(I don't care for Milk, but I'm always down for ANYTHING that does a body good! Mine, yours, whomever's!!!)
15. Beef - "It's Whats For Dinner"
.....(Yeah, you right baby! I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!! :)
16. Chick-Fil-A - "Eat. Mor. Chicken."
.....(no, no, NO!! Go back to number FIFTEEN!!!!!!)
Again, I apologize for my deviant, twisted, but FUNNY mind!!
Elizabeth
Earlier, I was wondering (and reading labels while in the bathtub, yeah, I admit it! I'm a label reader!) And well, it got me thinking....(shut up) But as I was reading said labels, it occured to me that maybe I'm not the only sick fucker in the world!! Cuz lookie lookie what I FOUND!! Read on.....
ADVERTISING SLOGANS THAT, WELL....TURN ME ON!!!!!
1. Pert Shampoo - "Crazy Good Hair, Without All The Craziness"
.....(I'll take 3 of these to go, but I want the craziness part left in!!)
2. Got2B Blow Out Lotion - "This blow out lotion is Heaven on Earth. It doesn't get any HOTTER!"
.....(this one's referring to me, actually...just sayin.)
3. Caress Body Wash - "Showering with Caress will be like wrapping yourself in a silky soft pashima, surrounded by the exotic blend of white orchid milk and warm vanilla essence. Lather, breathe in and relax. Ignore all knocks at the door.
.....(F a bunch of ignoring knocks!!!! After this, come the hell on in and take me!!!!!)
4. Top Care Nail Files - "Using the pink buffer side, "stroke back and forth" to smooth ridges. Step 1 and 2 are only necessary every 2 weeks"
.....(um.... yea. I do step one and two DAILY, THANKS!!!)
5. Pantene Smoothing Conditioner - "Comb through with fingers, beginning at the ends and.....work your way up. Repeat as desired."
.....(I think the folks at Pantene are slightly confused, because...THIS IS FOREPLAY TO ME!!!!!)
6. Axe Body Spray - "Twist open top to reveal "nozzle". Spray all over body, to leave you smelling great all day, any day, anytime!"
.....(Baby? Can I twist your "nozzle" anytime, any place, any day, to leave you smelling great?)
7. Crest Toothpaste - "If more is used than for brushing teeth, and is swallowed, seek medical attention immediately."
.....(I'm totally down with ANYTHING that says call EMS if too much is swallowed....just sayin!)
8. Baby Powder - "Absorbs excess wetness to keep you smooth and fresh."
.....(niccccce!!)
9. Hydrogen Peroxide - "If using in the mouth, dilute with water. Swish around in the mouth, then spit out!"
.....(Oh HELL yeah!!!!! Let's do THIS!!!!!!!!!)
10. Bed Head After Party Lotion - "The Perfect Party Favor! Smooth on, and Party Down!"
.....(Effing freaks...myself included! I love this shit!)
11. Rusk Strong Hold Hairspray - "Contains Thermaplex. Which activates with heat to provide shine and control from the inside out!"
.....(I'm really loving this whole "from the inside out" business... these people are on to something!!!)
12. Rusk Gel FX - "A non-greasy formula that defines, directs and slicks! Hair brushes easily and springs back, full bodied and completely touchable!"
.....(seriously, I just LOVE stuff that "springs back"!! TOP OF THE LIST!!!!)
13. Pledge - "Did you know that Pledge is great for shining and polishing wood?"
.....(I can think of a few other things that do that as well, just sayin...)
14. Milk - "It Does A Body Good"
.....(I don't care for Milk, but I'm always down for ANYTHING that does a body good! Mine, yours, whomever's!!!)
15. Beef - "It's Whats For Dinner"
.....(Yeah, you right baby! I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!! :)
16. Chick-Fil-A - "Eat. Mor. Chicken."
.....(no, no, NO!! Go back to number FIFTEEN!!!!!!)
Again, I apologize for my deviant, twisted, but FUNNY mind!!
Elizabeth
Spam Fun For ALL!! (or just me probably)
So today, being bored and unemployed and all.... I decided to clean out my AOL spam folder. But after reading through all the Subjects, I couldnt resist but to share it all with you. And of course, I must absolutely add in my own reflections on each one. Read on, my eager fans... read on. (and YES, each and every one of these, are actually what was sent to me)
1. $299 for 7 nights, 5 day - Sale! (sweet! I could really use a vacation! too bad it didnt say WHERE....bummer, sorry bastards)
2. Help With College Financial Aid? (thanks! I'll take all of it!)
3. Meet Me Tonight...I'm Married, Lonely and Sexually Frustrated! (yea, me too buddy, get the hell in line....)
4. Bowel Cleansing Trial, FREE! (whaaaa??? sign me up Scotty!!!!!!)
5. Military Report: Stoploss Compensation (what an outrage, I'm calling Congress right friggin NOW!)
6. We Have Anti Anxiety Medications! (are you damn psychic? send them to me!)
7. How Would You Like 10lbs of Delicious Bacon? (wtf? Send me 50!!)
8. 1 Carat Diamond Rings, 97% off (this is a trick, isn't it?)
9. Liz, Important Info on Paxil Users (about FRIGGIN time!!)
10. Liz, Add 3 Inches To Your Dick! (thanks... how'd you know?)
11. Viagra, Xanax, Valium, Codeine, Vicodin and Lithium are Yours, No Prescription! (WOO HOO! yeah baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and ALL freaking mine too!!!)
12. Do You Need Help In Bed? (gee, Im sorry, you'll have to ask my boyfriend about that...)
13. How Long Is Yours?? (how long is YOURS? I'll tell you if you tell me!)
14. Codeine Is Available At Your Fingertips... (so is my man...)
15. Our Records Indicate You Have Financial Aid Waiting! (Great! What's the damn hold up??)
16. ALL Your Favorite Medications Are Here, Liz! (no shit, ALL of them???)
17. Premium Business Cards, Only 1 Penny Each (which would come in handy, if I had a JOB)
18. Great Weightloss Medications! (just what every anorexic yearns for!!)
19. Serious Injuries Reported From Certain Birth Control Pills! (whew...glad I dont use THOSE! Birth Control injuries are freakin JACKED UP!)
20. Killer Prices at DFW (what the F do they kill? Planes or people??)
21. Use and Keep a Dell Laptop Computer (no thanks, I gotta Dell...and its a VIRALLY INFECTED PIECE OF SHIT! Give that crap to another victim...)
22. We Have Weightloss and Pain Meds for YOU, Liz! (oh well hell, why didnt you mention the pain part earlier? send me some!)
23. Anne, Scratch Beneath The Surface (Ima scratch your eye balls out for using my first name... just sayin. And the only thing this bitch scratches, is my boyfriend's back. Again, just sayin....)
24. View This Life Changing Breakthrough! (is it a job????)
25. You Have Received A Halloween Card! Click Here To Send One Back (NO?)
26. U Like It? I DO! (YES!!!!!!!!!!)
27. Mans Will Lov Thiss! (I think "mans" will love your English ability better)
28. Do You Need Help Falling Asleep At Night? (ohhhh...I do NOW!)
Much love,
Elizabeth :)
1. $299 for 7 nights, 5 day - Sale! (sweet! I could really use a vacation! too bad it didnt say WHERE....bummer, sorry bastards)
2. Help With College Financial Aid? (thanks! I'll take all of it!)
3. Meet Me Tonight...I'm Married, Lonely and Sexually Frustrated! (yea, me too buddy, get the hell in line....)
4. Bowel Cleansing Trial, FREE! (whaaaa??? sign me up Scotty!!!!!!)
5. Military Report: Stoploss Compensation (what an outrage, I'm calling Congress right friggin NOW!)
6. We Have Anti Anxiety Medications! (are you damn psychic? send them to me!)
7. How Would You Like 10lbs of Delicious Bacon? (wtf? Send me 50!!)
8. 1 Carat Diamond Rings, 97% off (this is a trick, isn't it?)
9. Liz, Important Info on Paxil Users (about FRIGGIN time!!)
10. Liz, Add 3 Inches To Your Dick! (thanks... how'd you know?)
11. Viagra, Xanax, Valium, Codeine, Vicodin and Lithium are Yours, No Prescription! (WOO HOO! yeah baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and ALL freaking mine too!!!)
12. Do You Need Help In Bed? (gee, Im sorry, you'll have to ask my boyfriend about that...)
13. How Long Is Yours?? (how long is YOURS? I'll tell you if you tell me!)
14. Codeine Is Available At Your Fingertips... (so is my man...)
15. Our Records Indicate You Have Financial Aid Waiting! (Great! What's the damn hold up??)
16. ALL Your Favorite Medications Are Here, Liz! (no shit, ALL of them???)
17. Premium Business Cards, Only 1 Penny Each (which would come in handy, if I had a JOB)
18. Great Weightloss Medications! (just what every anorexic yearns for!!)
19. Serious Injuries Reported From Certain Birth Control Pills! (whew...glad I dont use THOSE! Birth Control injuries are freakin JACKED UP!)
20. Killer Prices at DFW (what the F do they kill? Planes or people??)
21. Use and Keep a Dell Laptop Computer (no thanks, I gotta Dell...and its a VIRALLY INFECTED PIECE OF SHIT! Give that crap to another victim...)
22. We Have Weightloss and Pain Meds for YOU, Liz! (oh well hell, why didnt you mention the pain part earlier? send me some!)
23. Anne, Scratch Beneath The Surface (Ima scratch your eye balls out for using my first name... just sayin. And the only thing this bitch scratches, is my boyfriend's back. Again, just sayin....)
24. View This Life Changing Breakthrough! (is it a job????)
25. You Have Received A Halloween Card! Click Here To Send One Back (NO?)
26. U Like It? I DO! (YES!!!!!!!!!!)
27. Mans Will Lov Thiss! (I think "mans" will love your English ability better)
28. Do You Need Help Falling Asleep At Night? (ohhhh...I do NOW!)
Much love,
Elizabeth :)
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
"Feel Goods"...Facebook Style
Having a mind that just won't quit can sometimes be a nuisance. Having a mind that is creative and twisted beyond measure is worse. Add in sarcasm and a passion for dramatical shock value with the written word? Welcome to my mind...
This day and age, there isn't a single person I know who doesn't use some type of social networking site. Except for this one guy named Jason... because he's afraid his wife will cut his throat. But this blog isn't about Jason. It's about Face Book; and my top list of things you can do on it to make you feel better. If you aren't a member of Face Book, don't read any further. You won't understand, just sayin. I've come up with a list, of certain things you can do on Face Book that are guaranteed to brighten your day, or make you feel better when you've been wronged. I'll just jump right in, here they are:
1. "Like" Your Own Status:
(this is purely for fun, and good for a laugh and has nothing to do with being "wronged", but it's terribly funny so I'm including it as things to do) "Status Liking", I feel, is just a cop out excuse for leaving a real comment. No effort involved, no brain use required. One simple click of the mouse. But to turn the tables on the like button, try this: After every single status update you post, turn around and "like" your own status. Everytime!! It's a double whammy in the world of self love. We obviously like what we post, but to turn around and "like" it as well, shows some serious extra conceited self love and arrogance! So go ahead, and "like" your own status update. Every single time.You'll feel better!
2. Face Book Killing:
This is actually a new concept, (and yea ok, stolen from a friend....you know the one) but I have to admit, it's just too sweet and classic to not utilize. Often! When anyone, whether an actual friend or just a virtual friend does something to piss you off... kill them; on Face Book. If someone posts something you don't agree with... threaten to kill them; on Face Book. When someone posts something so horribly stupid, and just isn't to your liking... tell them how ignorant they are, and then kill them; on Face Book. Example: someone posts an update that makes you seethe in anger. Someone says horrible things about you to other Face Book friends. Don't take that bull, just simply do this: Leave them a comment stating, "Do you know how (insert inappropriate adjective here) you are? I simple will not be your 'friend' any longer, you're an idiot, and an ASS! Consider yourself assassinated, because I just killed you... on Face Book!" - then delete them. You just performed a Face Book killing, well done my friend, well done.
3. Face Book Divorce:
Mad at your boyfriend/girlfriend, spouse, etc? Try this classic trick! Go into your display settings, and select the box allowing your relationship status changes to be made available for everyone to see when there's been a change. Without informing your mate, just point blank "cancel the realationship". Carry on with your day to day activities, and say nothing to him or her about it. And for pete's sake, do not delete them (yet) You want them to be blind sided when they see it... and they will. And so will everyone else on Face Book :) The next time they log in and visit your page, probably to leave you some little romantic "I Love You" wall post, they'll notice that you have "canceled the relationship", TWO WEEKS AGO! Congratulations, you just divorced your spouse; on Face Book. Now you can delete them...
4. Face Book Stalking:
Maybe you have a stalker in your midst. Someone who is getting all up in your Face Book business? Repeating your personal info to people that you just don't want told? It may take a little digging, but it won't be hard. Your traitor is obviously someone on your friends list, just use the process of elimination. You'll figure out a name soon enough. Once you have a name, post the following as your status update: "John Q. Stalker is a traitor and a backstabbing little pansy freaking punk. His telephone # is (318) 465-9771 and his address is 200 Timber Falls Drive, Longview TX 75605..." Be sure to also include specific info telling exactly what this idiot has done to you and how you would like for your "real" friends to let him know how sorry he is as well...they can use the data listed to do just that. Tell them that in the post. Just remember to keep it under 420 characters, it's all you get. Bravo! You have just publicly outed and humiliated your stalker; on Face Book! The tables have been turned, now delete him...
5. The Face Book "Coup de Gras":
- a Face Book "ban", so to speak.
After every bad Face Book behavior, which has damaged, embarrassed, or hurt you in some form... you've completed a killing, the break up, posted their phone and address online, and performed a deletion. Now it's time to finish them off. Do the following: Find a picture of your harasser. (look around in your personal photos, your friends albums, etc.) Copy and save the image to your PC. Open whatever photo editing progam you have installed, and embellish the picture by drawing (or using paint) a large circle over their face. Add a diagonal line through the middle, to resemble a "ban" symbol. Preferrably using a bright color, such as red or orange to get the full effect. Log into your Face Book account, and upload the picture. Now set it as your default! You're almost done, start getting excited now! Make a new status post, to reflect the new image you're using, telling everyone who it is (and yea, use their name) and exactly what they did to you. After this is completed, and your page and status post is done, do this: send the "banned" picture to every one of your friends, and have them do the same. (your "true" friends won't hesitate... if any do, they are NOT your friend...start back up at the top of this list, and get busy) I give you a 100% guarantee, this person will get the lesson, and learn it well. (which would be - they can mess with anyone they like, it just won't ever be YOU again!!) This is the ultimate Face Book slam, you just virtually and visually "banned" your agressor; on Face Book! And now so did all of your friends :)
Happy Facebooking!!! :)
This day and age, there isn't a single person I know who doesn't use some type of social networking site. Except for this one guy named Jason... because he's afraid his wife will cut his throat. But this blog isn't about Jason. It's about Face Book; and my top list of things you can do on it to make you feel better. If you aren't a member of Face Book, don't read any further. You won't understand, just sayin. I've come up with a list, of certain things you can do on Face Book that are guaranteed to brighten your day, or make you feel better when you've been wronged. I'll just jump right in, here they are:
1. "Like" Your Own Status:
(this is purely for fun, and good for a laugh and has nothing to do with being "wronged", but it's terribly funny so I'm including it as things to do) "Status Liking", I feel, is just a cop out excuse for leaving a real comment. No effort involved, no brain use required. One simple click of the mouse. But to turn the tables on the like button, try this: After every single status update you post, turn around and "like" your own status. Everytime!! It's a double whammy in the world of self love. We obviously like what we post, but to turn around and "like" it as well, shows some serious extra conceited self love and arrogance! So go ahead, and "like" your own status update. Every single time.You'll feel better!
2. Face Book Killing:
This is actually a new concept, (and yea ok, stolen from a friend....you know the one) but I have to admit, it's just too sweet and classic to not utilize. Often! When anyone, whether an actual friend or just a virtual friend does something to piss you off... kill them; on Face Book. If someone posts something you don't agree with... threaten to kill them; on Face Book. When someone posts something so horribly stupid, and just isn't to your liking... tell them how ignorant they are, and then kill them; on Face Book. Example: someone posts an update that makes you seethe in anger. Someone says horrible things about you to other Face Book friends. Don't take that bull, just simply do this: Leave them a comment stating, "Do you know how (insert inappropriate adjective here) you are? I simple will not be your 'friend' any longer, you're an idiot, and an ASS! Consider yourself assassinated, because I just killed you... on Face Book!" - then delete them. You just performed a Face Book killing, well done my friend, well done.
3. Face Book Divorce:
Mad at your boyfriend/girlfriend, spouse, etc? Try this classic trick! Go into your display settings, and select the box allowing your relationship status changes to be made available for everyone to see when there's been a change. Without informing your mate, just point blank "cancel the realationship". Carry on with your day to day activities, and say nothing to him or her about it. And for pete's sake, do not delete them (yet) You want them to be blind sided when they see it... and they will. And so will everyone else on Face Book :) The next time they log in and visit your page, probably to leave you some little romantic "I Love You" wall post, they'll notice that you have "canceled the relationship", TWO WEEKS AGO! Congratulations, you just divorced your spouse; on Face Book. Now you can delete them...
4. Face Book Stalking:
Maybe you have a stalker in your midst. Someone who is getting all up in your Face Book business? Repeating your personal info to people that you just don't want told? It may take a little digging, but it won't be hard. Your traitor is obviously someone on your friends list, just use the process of elimination. You'll figure out a name soon enough. Once you have a name, post the following as your status update: "John Q. Stalker is a traitor and a backstabbing little pansy freaking punk. His telephone # is (318) 465-9771 and his address is 200 Timber Falls Drive, Longview TX 75605..." Be sure to also include specific info telling exactly what this idiot has done to you and how you would like for your "real" friends to let him know how sorry he is as well...they can use the data listed to do just that. Tell them that in the post. Just remember to keep it under 420 characters, it's all you get. Bravo! You have just publicly outed and humiliated your stalker; on Face Book! The tables have been turned, now delete him...
5. The Face Book "Coup de Gras":
- a Face Book "ban", so to speak.
After every bad Face Book behavior, which has damaged, embarrassed, or hurt you in some form... you've completed a killing, the break up, posted their phone and address online, and performed a deletion. Now it's time to finish them off. Do the following: Find a picture of your harasser. (look around in your personal photos, your friends albums, etc.) Copy and save the image to your PC. Open whatever photo editing progam you have installed, and embellish the picture by drawing (or using paint) a large circle over their face. Add a diagonal line through the middle, to resemble a "ban" symbol. Preferrably using a bright color, such as red or orange to get the full effect. Log into your Face Book account, and upload the picture. Now set it as your default! You're almost done, start getting excited now! Make a new status post, to reflect the new image you're using, telling everyone who it is (and yea, use their name) and exactly what they did to you. After this is completed, and your page and status post is done, do this: send the "banned" picture to every one of your friends, and have them do the same. (your "true" friends won't hesitate... if any do, they are NOT your friend...start back up at the top of this list, and get busy) I give you a 100% guarantee, this person will get the lesson, and learn it well. (which would be - they can mess with anyone they like, it just won't ever be YOU again!!) This is the ultimate Face Book slam, you just virtually and visually "banned" your agressor; on Face Book! And now so did all of your friends :)
Happy Facebooking!!! :)
Friday, October 16, 2009
Things I Don't Understand, Ya'll!
This is my "updated" blog, of the things that just don't make sense, and just ain't right. :)
1. Erectile Dysfunction.....Cialis, Levitra and Viagra, come on now. The commercials state, it you should "only take these medications if you are healthy enough for sex". Now, maybe I'm just misunderstanding it, but if you are not functioning well enough to "perform", SO much so that you visit your physician, then....you probably ARE NOT HEALTHY ENOUGH to have sex, just saying.
2. Nancy Grace.....Now, I happen to like Mrs. Grace. But it really gets on my ever lovin' nerve when she speaks to the viewers at home, as if we can physically hear her! And not only that, she refers to us as "people". But the kicker of it all? Why does she constantly call her panel guests by their first AND last names? As in: "Tell me, Scott M Smith, are you saying you agree with killing small animals..." For real Nancy, come on now, just stop it. You annoy me. I guess I don't really like her that much afterall.
3. Crimminals on C.O.P.S......Why why why do all the bad guys on C.O.P.S. run? Seriously, Mr. John Q. Crimminal in your bloody wife beater... we are watching video stream of your chase, that's being filmed from 3 helicopters following your every move. Do you honestly think you are going to out run it? Because frankly, if you are able to outrun those helicoptors, then I really want to meet you! I'll even post your bail. But in the mean time, please give us all a break here, and just get your hands behind your back, your wasting my tax dollars. Bad boy, bad boy, whatchu gonna do? I wanna miranda-ize you.
4. Valium..... How come everybody can't take it? America would finally be at peace, there'd be no more violence, and quite honestly, it wouldn't matter in the least who our flippin' President is! Just my own warm fuzzy thought. But that's just me, and I always want everyone on valium. Myself included.
5. Britney Spears, BiPolar and hair extensions..... ok ya'll!
6. Mean teachers..... Is there a special class for that? Because I majored in education for about half of a semester, and I never saw anything like that in the curriculum or on the syllabus. (not saying wasn't there, just that I personally didn't see it) So where is it? And how do I sign up? 'Cause honestly, the doctors won't give me any more xanax and well, I thought I might be able to teach a class like that. I'm not kidding.
7. Polygamy.....This is rather old news, but still to this day I'm baffled by it. Thinking back about the Texas compound polygamy abuse fiasco, I just had one or two things to say about it. Numero uno, what in the sam hell? Are you seriously kidding? As if having one bitchy wife isn't enough, you want multitudes of them? (that explains our nation's xanax shortage...) And to top that off, you want 47 children? Ok wow, because I have 2 kids of my own and don't even want them! These people are truly insane.... Maybe even more than Britney. I don't even care about the abuse, I just want to know why those idiot men want 7 wives and 95 kids!
8. Scientology..... I just have 2 words to say about this dumbfounding stupidity. Tom Cruise & Aliens.... Yep, thinkin' those two together in one sentence is waaay more than enough info to keep me away from this "religion". And for the record, it is not a religion. Get off the couch Tom, you irritate me.
9. Hurricanes hitting New Orleans.....Yes, we already know. We live in a place where our most productive industry is dumping bodies in the bayou, our favorite pastime is topless women on Bourbon, and our most famous celebrity is The Water Boy. But can't God just leave us alone already? We're flipping sorry, we know we're bad! But why did God have to send that swirling air blender named Katrina down on us, just to put an end to Mardi Gras. Was it giving Easter celebrations too much competiton? Fine! We'll tone it down! But most of us down here don't have any insurance and now all we have to do, is sit around bitchin' and complaining about living under water! (or go on tele-thons crying and singing, begging for money, whichever) Besides, Katrina was named after a nasty telephone call girl ho, just sayin...
10. Southern Slang..... Enough with the ridicule! Look, we get it, okay? We live here. We know we talk differently than ya'll, but why must America make so much fun of us? It's a really big deal for us to get to cross that state line. But the second we do, people gotta start pointin' and laughin'! Dangit, we don't know any better! Every single person we know talks like this, and it's just not funny. We say ya'll, and ain't, and fixin' to... and the spelling of our words are seriously jacked up with all the eaux's and stuff. We ain't got no counties, we got parishes. And yep, everyone of them starts with "Saint". But it's all we know so stop hatin' on us... Or my brothers Boudreaux, Thibadeaux and Bubba will git-er-done. And that's why we hide bodies in the bayou.
1. Erectile Dysfunction.....Cialis, Levitra and Viagra, come on now. The commercials state, it you should "only take these medications if you are healthy enough for sex". Now, maybe I'm just misunderstanding it, but if you are not functioning well enough to "perform", SO much so that you visit your physician, then....you probably ARE NOT HEALTHY ENOUGH to have sex, just saying.
2. Nancy Grace.....Now, I happen to like Mrs. Grace. But it really gets on my ever lovin' nerve when she speaks to the viewers at home, as if we can physically hear her! And not only that, she refers to us as "people". But the kicker of it all? Why does she constantly call her panel guests by their first AND last names? As in: "Tell me, Scott M Smith, are you saying you agree with killing small animals..." For real Nancy, come on now, just stop it. You annoy me. I guess I don't really like her that much afterall.
3. Crimminals on C.O.P.S......Why why why do all the bad guys on C.O.P.S. run? Seriously, Mr. John Q. Crimminal in your bloody wife beater... we are watching video stream of your chase, that's being filmed from 3 helicopters following your every move. Do you honestly think you are going to out run it? Because frankly, if you are able to outrun those helicoptors, then I really want to meet you! I'll even post your bail. But in the mean time, please give us all a break here, and just get your hands behind your back, your wasting my tax dollars. Bad boy, bad boy, whatchu gonna do? I wanna miranda-ize you.
4. Valium..... How come everybody can't take it? America would finally be at peace, there'd be no more violence, and quite honestly, it wouldn't matter in the least who our flippin' President is! Just my own warm fuzzy thought. But that's just me, and I always want everyone on valium. Myself included.
5. Britney Spears, BiPolar and hair extensions..... ok ya'll!
6. Mean teachers..... Is there a special class for that? Because I majored in education for about half of a semester, and I never saw anything like that in the curriculum or on the syllabus. (not saying wasn't there, just that I personally didn't see it) So where is it? And how do I sign up? 'Cause honestly, the doctors won't give me any more xanax and well, I thought I might be able to teach a class like that. I'm not kidding.
7. Polygamy.....This is rather old news, but still to this day I'm baffled by it. Thinking back about the Texas compound polygamy abuse fiasco, I just had one or two things to say about it. Numero uno, what in the sam hell? Are you seriously kidding? As if having one bitchy wife isn't enough, you want multitudes of them? (that explains our nation's xanax shortage...) And to top that off, you want 47 children? Ok wow, because I have 2 kids of my own and don't even want them! These people are truly insane.... Maybe even more than Britney. I don't even care about the abuse, I just want to know why those idiot men want 7 wives and 95 kids!
8. Scientology..... I just have 2 words to say about this dumbfounding stupidity. Tom Cruise & Aliens.... Yep, thinkin' those two together in one sentence is waaay more than enough info to keep me away from this "religion". And for the record, it is not a religion. Get off the couch Tom, you irritate me.
9. Hurricanes hitting New Orleans.....Yes, we already know. We live in a place where our most productive industry is dumping bodies in the bayou, our favorite pastime is topless women on Bourbon, and our most famous celebrity is The Water Boy. But can't God just leave us alone already? We're flipping sorry, we know we're bad! But why did God have to send that swirling air blender named Katrina down on us, just to put an end to Mardi Gras. Was it giving Easter celebrations too much competiton? Fine! We'll tone it down! But most of us down here don't have any insurance and now all we have to do, is sit around bitchin' and complaining about living under water! (or go on tele-thons crying and singing, begging for money, whichever) Besides, Katrina was named after a nasty telephone call girl ho, just sayin...
"Union, Justice & Coonasses!"
10. Southern Slang..... Enough with the ridicule! Look, we get it, okay? We live here. We know we talk differently than ya'll, but why must America make so much fun of us? It's a really big deal for us to get to cross that state line. But the second we do, people gotta start pointin' and laughin'! Dangit, we don't know any better! Every single person we know talks like this, and it's just not funny. We say ya'll, and ain't, and fixin' to... and the spelling of our words are seriously jacked up with all the eaux's and stuff. We ain't got no counties, we got parishes. And yep, everyone of them starts with "Saint". But it's all we know so stop hatin' on us... Or my brothers Boudreaux, Thibadeaux and Bubba will git-er-done. And that's why we hide bodies in the bayou.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Racial & Religious Hypocrisy or Ethical Ignorance?
The Preamble...we may not be able to remember all of it, but I'm certain we can state a couple of lines from memory. Think back, will you? It goes something like this:
"We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, ensure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense..."
Sound familiar? Almost as well known as "Four score and seven years ago". In all honesty, I love the wording of our forefathers from the yesterdays. Yet, my favorite words don't stem from Lincoln, Washington or Jefferson. They originate from one particular place in time, dated as August 28, 1963, and they begin like this:
"I Have A Dream... I have dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of it's creed: That 'we hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal'."
Martin Luther King, Jr.
Just as Martin Luther King, Jr. said so many years ago, I too, also have a dream. I have a dream today! A dream, which believes that from every mountainside, freedom should be able to ring. Yet, because of our own self-serving hypocrisy, those snow capped mountains can not ring because they are drowning in the churning waters of despair, crippled with discontent. They are never going to ring. We are completely removed from the path of racial tolerance and religious freedom, so much so, that we can't hear the mountain's ringing even if they were. Because frankly, no sound is there.
I was born and raised in the deep south, in the middle of the Bible belt. Louisiana just doesn't get any more southern. It's a state where we speak a little bit funny and play hard in the mud. A place where yes, "we" even tolerate and encourage prayer in our public schools. Although, I do not include myself in the "we" group. I have nothing against God, I just don't agree with bringing the Word into our schools. Religion is a personal, and private choice, that shouldn't be made for us or for our children. But that's just my personal opinion. So even though I am southern born and bred, I have just never agreed with, or accepted, our nation's outlandish tolerance for discriminatory behavior. The older I become, the stronger my voice becomes as well, and the louder I can speak. I have an extremely strong belief in advocating against the dischords of injustice, whether it be for myself, or others, who's civil rights are violated. As you can imagine, friends don't come quickly when you constantly stand tall, sweltering in the discontented heat. Within the dark corner's of our society, there are serious problems with the attempt to secure our "guaranteed, unalienable rights", which we were promised so long ago. I believe King said it best, when he described our nation's withering injustices as a promissory note that came back marked, "insufficient funds".
America, the land of the "free" and the home of the brave, needs to be shaken from it's ignorant sleep, so that today, this day, we as a people may finally receive those rights and acquire our long ago promised freedom. True, it has already been written...signed sealed and delivered. But delivering it to Congress, doesn't ensure it has been given to the people. Our people. We, the people.
Take a leisurely stroll down Main St., Small Town, America. There is no evidence of freedom here. People of color still live on the other side of town. The less fortunate are ridiculed because they cannot acquire the comforts and nicer clothing afforded to the suburbian wealthy. Tremendous and small minded backlash occur daily, almost to the point of exile, when fellow community members have the audacity to "opt out" of the path being placed upon them by neighbors and friends. Those who decide to not attend the neighborhood's "approved" house of worship, or conform to their standard way of thinking. Society refuses to believe and/or accept any notion that someone, anyone, may not believe in the same ideals. They are not capable of being even slightly tolerant, for those who believe outside of the box. But there are those of us who do, and can, live in a tolerant open frame of mind. It doesn't make us wrong, it doesn't make IT wrong, and it certainly doesn't make us deserving of hypocritical persecution. Day after day, in our own personal quest for that piece of "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness" dream, we are consistently met head on with our own nation's narrow, small minded brothers and sisters. We are consistently punish in our day to day lives, for not following the "norm", for getting out of the box of stupidity. So I ask you, why CAN'T people of mixed races marry? Are they two different species? Does it hurt you, or someone else? Are they not "people", same as you or I? And why CAN'T I believe in Allah, or Ghandi, or Buddha...or nothing, if that's what I choose? Does it hurt you? Should I be punished? Should I be made fun of? Should I be hated? Why is it wrong, if I believe differently than you? Why? But you do.... and I am. But, for the record, I am in no way stating what it is that I actually believe in for myself, in regards to God, religion, or even a lack thereof. My personal convictions are just that....personal, and will remain a private matter. I just simply have a deeper belief, that my ability to choose what I DO lay claim to, supercedes the actual belief's themselves. And THAT, is what is "self-evident" to me.
If we cannot, as a united people learn tolerance, embrace freedom for all who desire it, and begin to accept the individual differences in man, we will never be free from the burning moral gut of our tragically conceited mistakes. Until then, we as Americans, who live in this arrogant nation that we alone created, can learn to stifle our greedy desire for power, we will never see peace. Ever. For it is not our foreign policy, as it's so incorrectly perceived, that creates the need for war and makes other countries hate us.... It is religion; and our nation's refusal to accept people who look different, speak different, or simply believe different.... whether here in our homeland, or abroad. That being said, the plain truth of the matter is, we should have the right, as people, regardless of sex, race or religious preference, to be free from punishment and persecution at the hands of our own brothers. Not because we think we're better, or more deserving, but because it is what's morally RIGHT. And right for everyone, in every country, on any land. Black man, white man; women or children; Christian, Jew or Muslim... we are each deserving, because we are one people; flesh of the flesh, and our blood is all red. We are one human race. Because of that one single fact, we deserve to be free. Whether we truly are makes no difference, we should have that basic human right. Equality, for all of mankind.
Even though I may walk along my path alone, be ridiculed and judged, I will never back away from my own personal convictions, that seethe from the hypocritical standard of society's need for conformity. So while I walk alone, I will remain unmoved by the incessant pleas from my fellow man, to stop promoting what is morally correct. I will be satisfied to trek along in that valley of the shadow of death. I will never fear evil, or be frightened to speak aloud, against those chains of discrimination, because after all, aren't we suppose to "hold these truth's to be self-evident"?
To believe, or not believe. To agree, or disagree. To take a stand, or remain silent.... personal choices, free from abuse, promoted with peace, honor and dignity. Just as Marting Luther King, Jr., said so beautifully... I too, also want "justice to roll down like water, and the righteousness like a mighty stream". And I will not be quiet, until it does.
"Because MY religion, is freedom FROM religion, the freedom of speech, and freedom for all"
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Welcome To Hollywood...Cajun Style!
Louisiana has always been a culturally diverse state, even by our own standards. In fact, it is probably the MOST diverse area in the entire country! From the cajun French, to our traditional southern suburbia living, La is frankly just a cut above all else. We not only play host to the French Quarter down in The Big Easy, but also small town Friday night football and metropolitan night life. Crawfish etoufee', jambalaya, Mardi Gras and the mighty LSU Tigers, yes, Louisiana has definately got the hook.
Our Dirty South is also becoming increasingly popular with Hollywood's film industry, fastly approaching the number one "go to" hot spot for producers and directors alike! Chiseling out a nitch that offers the filming industry excellent incentives to bring celebrity entertainment and production down here to The Pelican State.
Having already played host to over 72 movie films and television shows post production, Louisiana offers what other states can not....stable climatry, southern hospitality, beautiful landscapes and a complete lack of paparazzi. Along with glamor and gumbo, we also lay claim to the best casinos this side of Las Vegas. Jessica Simpson, Katie Holmes, Kevin Costner, Sandra Bullock and Ashton Kutcher are just a tiny fraction of those A-List stars that have donned our local area with their celebrity status and suprisingly, have even offered up some casual conversation with us locals. Although Shreveport-Bossier is slowly getting used to our new turn of celebrity status, our love for anonymity is probably one of the most desired reasons that Hollywood starlets are eager to stop by and work a bit down here in Tiger Country. Because we leave them alone and mind our own business. Like we should.
But yes, admittedly, native Louisianians can, and do become star struck just like the rest of the fans out there, and of course we can feel slightly enamored after bumping into a Hollywood hottie every so often. But normally, we are in such disbelief that we stood in line at Target next to Jessica Simpson, that it usually renders us speechless. Stopped frozen in our tracks, we become dazed and confused. Simply left to question our own sanity silently as if such an occurance actually took place on aisle 7. Did we actually see Miss Celebrity XYZ? We don't really know, we just silently stare and ponder at the thought. The good ole' southern hospitality we were all born and bred with would never allow us to be so brazen and approach a celebrity without first seeking permissable consent, no ma'am. Dirty South manners, at work in their finest traditional form, and yeah, we got 'em! On the other hand, us cajun folks know exactly how to party like a rock star, and could probably show those A Listers a thing or two about how it really should go down, but none the less, yeah...we'll still leave you Beverly Hills Kids alone to carry on with your moving making careers.
Honestly, in our true to form southern style, we like having our new found west coast California friends down here. We don't really want to talk to you too terribly much, or have some type of relationship with you people, but it does give us a splendid "story to tell opp" down the road a bit, in some future place or time. We don't feel the least bit guilty about using the stars for our own advantage and coolness factor. We don't even really mind if you close our roadways for several weeks at a time, or prevent us from entering our favorite businesses because of filming. Zyedeco folks are too laid back to let such trivial irritants bother us...we'll just find another way around to get where we need to be. Besides, swamp natives really love to go off-roadin' and we'll snag any excuse we can find to violate traffic laws and drive in the dirt!
After Hurricane Katrina slammed into our fantastic state leaving it in total devastation and in shambles, movie production headed north (along with everyone else!) to Shreveport Rock City. Once legislators realized the opportunity and quickly seized it, they pounced on the chance to do everything necessary to secure our number 4 spot in Movie Maker Magazine. (2008) Shreveport-Bossier soon became Anywhere, World. By offering the most aggressive tax incentives in the country, local officals wasted no time brokering deals to ensure streamlined paperwork and permit processing rushing. Thus, cajun country, where we take off the long O's and replace them with an "eaux" began it's treck to legendary status as the "Hollywood South".
Our small town USA has been transformed into places such as NYC, Paris, Alaska, Africa, Guantanamo Bay and Amsterdam. Celebrities are everywhere....in our bakeries, grocery stores, local malls and hardware stores. Although it can be seemingly hard to recognize them at times without their 21 car paparazzi procession following (I mean, stalking) them. The only real difference between our before and after, is no local resident dare leaves home without their camera in tow. You just don't know who you'll brush elbows with!
Last week, Mayor Cedric Glover announced the new "Shreveport Bossier Film Trail", which leads you down a 21 stop path at the numerous spots in our area that are already featured on the big screen....local architecture can be seen in such movies as "Mad Men", "Disaster Movie", "Premonition", "W", and "The Mist". More recently filmed, was the newly released "My Mom's New Boyfriend", and I have to say, I heard it wasn't too bad. In all honesty, we don't really care if they are heading straight for a nomination, or if it has complete box office flop written all over it, yep, we're still going to watch them, and we're going to watch them all. Because, well, heck yea....they're filming them in our backyards, and frankly it's pretty cool. It's crazy really, seeing all this Hollywood ho hum buzz around our home town, in the places we work, shop and play. But I suppose, if we're being somewhat realistic, these Los Angeles guys have been here for a few years now and truthfully, we like it well enough!
'Cause it's Louisiana ya'll! The home of the Big Easy, of groove and gumbo, LSU football (Geaux Tigers!) and now, obviously Anywhere, World..... and it's seriously flippin cool.
I saw them filming "Battle: Los Angeles" the other day. I have to say, quite impressive really. So here's to you, Sandra, Denzel, Kevin, Ashton and Samuel L....Welcome! Welcome to Hollywood, CAJUN STYLE!
Our Dirty South is also becoming increasingly popular with Hollywood's film industry, fastly approaching the number one "go to" hot spot for producers and directors alike! Chiseling out a nitch that offers the filming industry excellent incentives to bring celebrity entertainment and production down here to The Pelican State.
Having already played host to over 72 movie films and television shows post production, Louisiana offers what other states can not....stable climatry, southern hospitality, beautiful landscapes and a complete lack of paparazzi. Along with glamor and gumbo, we also lay claim to the best casinos this side of Las Vegas. Jessica Simpson, Katie Holmes, Kevin Costner, Sandra Bullock and Ashton Kutcher are just a tiny fraction of those A-List stars that have donned our local area with their celebrity status and suprisingly, have even offered up some casual conversation with us locals. Although Shreveport-Bossier is slowly getting used to our new turn of celebrity status, our love for anonymity is probably one of the most desired reasons that Hollywood starlets are eager to stop by and work a bit down here in Tiger Country. Because we leave them alone and mind our own business. Like we should.
But yes, admittedly, native Louisianians can, and do become star struck just like the rest of the fans out there, and of course we can feel slightly enamored after bumping into a Hollywood hottie every so often. But normally, we are in such disbelief that we stood in line at Target next to Jessica Simpson, that it usually renders us speechless. Stopped frozen in our tracks, we become dazed and confused. Simply left to question our own sanity silently as if such an occurance actually took place on aisle 7. Did we actually see Miss Celebrity XYZ? We don't really know, we just silently stare and ponder at the thought. The good ole' southern hospitality we were all born and bred with would never allow us to be so brazen and approach a celebrity without first seeking permissable consent, no ma'am. Dirty South manners, at work in their finest traditional form, and yeah, we got 'em! On the other hand, us cajun folks know exactly how to party like a rock star, and could probably show those A Listers a thing or two about how it really should go down, but none the less, yeah...we'll still leave you Beverly Hills Kids alone to carry on with your moving making careers.
Honestly, in our true to form southern style, we like having our new found west coast California friends down here. We don't really want to talk to you too terribly much, or have some type of relationship with you people, but it does give us a splendid "story to tell opp" down the road a bit, in some future place or time. We don't feel the least bit guilty about using the stars for our own advantage and coolness factor. We don't even really mind if you close our roadways for several weeks at a time, or prevent us from entering our favorite businesses because of filming. Zyedeco folks are too laid back to let such trivial irritants bother us...we'll just find another way around to get where we need to be. Besides, swamp natives really love to go off-roadin' and we'll snag any excuse we can find to violate traffic laws and drive in the dirt!
After Hurricane Katrina slammed into our fantastic state leaving it in total devastation and in shambles, movie production headed north (along with everyone else!) to Shreveport Rock City. Once legislators realized the opportunity and quickly seized it, they pounced on the chance to do everything necessary to secure our number 4 spot in Movie Maker Magazine. (2008) Shreveport-Bossier soon became Anywhere, World. By offering the most aggressive tax incentives in the country, local officals wasted no time brokering deals to ensure streamlined paperwork and permit processing rushing. Thus, cajun country, where we take off the long O's and replace them with an "eaux" began it's treck to legendary status as the "Hollywood South".
Our small town USA has been transformed into places such as NYC, Paris, Alaska, Africa, Guantanamo Bay and Amsterdam. Celebrities are everywhere....in our bakeries, grocery stores, local malls and hardware stores. Although it can be seemingly hard to recognize them at times without their 21 car paparazzi procession following (I mean, stalking) them. The only real difference between our before and after, is no local resident dare leaves home without their camera in tow. You just don't know who you'll brush elbows with!
Last week, Mayor Cedric Glover announced the new "Shreveport Bossier Film Trail", which leads you down a 21 stop path at the numerous spots in our area that are already featured on the big screen....local architecture can be seen in such movies as "Mad Men", "Disaster Movie", "Premonition", "W", and "The Mist". More recently filmed, was the newly released "My Mom's New Boyfriend", and I have to say, I heard it wasn't too bad. In all honesty, we don't really care if they are heading straight for a nomination, or if it has complete box office flop written all over it, yep, we're still going to watch them, and we're going to watch them all. Because, well, heck yea....they're filming them in our backyards, and frankly it's pretty cool. It's crazy really, seeing all this Hollywood ho hum buzz around our home town, in the places we work, shop and play. But I suppose, if we're being somewhat realistic, these Los Angeles guys have been here for a few years now and truthfully, we like it well enough!
'Cause it's Louisiana ya'll! The home of the Big Easy, of groove and gumbo, LSU football (Geaux Tigers!) and now, obviously Anywhere, World..... and it's seriously flippin cool.
I saw them filming "Battle: Los Angeles" the other day. I have to say, quite impressive really. So here's to you, Sandra, Denzel, Kevin, Ashton and Samuel L....Welcome! Welcome to Hollywood, CAJUN STYLE!
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Goodbye Uncle Sam!
After living and enduring the life of a military spouse for the past 14 years, my time with the United States Air Force has come to a close. My journey and marriage to Uncle Sam (and my soon to be ex husband) has ended. It hasn't been easy, and it hasn't been perfect. Still in all, there are probably things I will miss. Can't think of any right now :), but maybe one day I will. It takes years to acclimate, accept, adjust and survive being a military wife. I believe it to be one of the hardest jobs a spouse can face. So I would like to take a few moments, to reflect and remember, that which I am leaving behind, and let my civilian friends have a little insight as to what being a military spouse is really all about.
Military life becomes so ingrained inside your head, that after a time you actually begin to think that the outside civilian world is the oddity! Everyone single person you know, everyone you have contact with....friends, neighbors, co-workers, doctors, dentists, bosses; everyone... wears Blues or camoflauge. Your son's pediatrician? Yep, camoflauge uniform, black combat boots with a white jacket on top! In time, you learn the geographical lingo like the rest of them. You stop referring to towns and cities by their given name, and only speak in terms of 'base location'. You aren't from Bossier City, you're from Barksdale AFB. Your husband isn't TDY (that's temporary duty...where they send your hubby off to wherever they want, to usually play war games or some stupidity) but no, he's not TDY in Las Vegas, he's at Nellis. And no, you are not about to pack up and move to England, you're going to Lakenheath AB, home of the British Royal Air Force. Yet, you actually do grow accustomed to seeing security forces all around you, standing at the gas station with AK-47 assault rifles strung over their shoulders, while you make a mad dash for some smokes and beer. And oh, the wonderous joys of bringing your excited children to the Commissary to pick up their birthday cake, only to be met at the entrance by scary looking military militia personel wearing their chem-warfare get up, totin' M-16 machine guns along with them....LOADED.
You don't have a spouse, you have a "sponsor", and you are classified as a "dependant", with no name, only a number. Which just happens to be, your husbands last 4 of his SS, followed by your marital code. (30 is 1st wife, 31 is 2nd wife) And the same goes for your children. Last 4 of the sponsor's social, ending with the child code.... 01, 02, 03 etc. I've lived for 14 years, as XXXX-31, and wondering when it would finally occur to the Air Force, that I am a 31, not a 30? HELLO??? SECOND WIFE!!!! Just one of the many perks.
But how about the lovely "Freedom of Information Act".... such a wonderful thing, it is. If we, as military spouses actually HAD IT! Freedom of information my ass! Maybe you civilians out there get a little bit of it, but we certainly don't. Always having to keep that mobility bag stocked and ready to go. Ready to be thrown inside the cargo bay of a plane headed to "we can't say". Middle of the night phone calls, in which you must then drive your spouse to the squadron hangar, and put him on some secret looking aircraft, headed for some "classified" unknown destination. You don't know where he's going, or when he's coming back. Try explaining THAT to your crying left behind children. "Mommy, where is daddy going?"...."I don't know, probably to go drop some bombs on our latest and newest enemy... you know, 'cause if they aren't one of us, they're the bad guys"...."But noooooooo! When is he coming home??"...."Sadly little 3 year old, your guess is honestly as good as mine, but hey! Don't cry! Let's go shop for (insert soon to be missed holiday here)! Freedom of information sucks!
Yet, even though your families lives are constantly in a state of confusion, afraid of what's next, you still give it your best effort to provide some sense of normalcy for your children. Casting to the wayside the thought that a set of orders could come at any given moment, (or worse, the unmarked navy blue car visits you in the middle of the night while the men driving it are carrying a carefully folded flag and are in full military dress), but I'm leaving the more depressive scenerios out of this.... so, you receive those orders, that will require you to pack and move (again) to another foreign city or country, forcing you to start all over, and all you can do is accept it, and take it with a grain of salt. You make new friends, enroll in new schools, change doctors, find a new home.....and then ooops, daddy's going back to war, (again) leaving you all alone in your new surroundings to pick up the pieces. Sadly, you just become used to the sheer madness of it all. You keep your same routine in place. You pack, and unpack, settle in and just adjust. Then one day you wake up, and realize, that it just doesn't bother you anymore. Except, after you make friends with some new civilian folks, and they are constantly talking about how their little precious babies are headed to grandpa's and grandma's for the night/weekend. You think to yourself, "damn they're lucky! I haven't seen my parents since last Christmas!" But that's just how it is... us military folk see our extended family about twice a year.
I know what you're thinking! Being a member of the Armed Forces has many great benefits!! All that tax free shopping, free healthcare, the works! But let me explain to you, exactly how all that great "crap" really works. See, in the Air Force, we have what is called, "Active Duty Military Personel have Priority". Please, let me explain it to you! Come along, and let's go to the BX, shall we? (and seriously, have you really SEEN the crap they sell there? Please... I'd rather shop anywhere, and pay the dang Boston Tea Tax, than waste my time at the BX) but ok, let's go anyway. We have our screaming kids in tow, (I think?) and we have all of our wonderful tax free goods. We make a beeline for the register, but ooops! What is this? Oh yeah..... Active Duty Personel have Priority. What does that mean exactly, you ask? It means you just landed on "lose the next 2 hours of turns", cuz you get to go to the back of the line baby! Yep, when in uniform, military personel get to go FIRST!! So back it up hooker, and take your screaming kids with you.
Scenerio numero dos: Your 2 month old baby, has been crying and riddled with a 105 fever all night long. You've got to drag yourself out of the bed at 7:00 am sharp, the minute day break hits. Because, yep! That's when the lines open for the 2nd Medical Group Clinic. Granted, you won't speak to a person, but you don't get a choice, so go ahead and call... call them! (this one is always fun!!) And by the way, you only have a 30 minute window, so dont mess around. Breakfast and the school bus for your other children are just going to have to wait! You call at straight up 7:00. Then you sit on hold for the next 30 minutes, and then at precisely 7:31, the automated voice answers, informing you that there are no available appointments for that day, and to please try back again....TOMORROW! And hell yeah, all Active Duty Personel have Priority!!!!!! Because THEY get to call starting at 6:30, and take ALL THE DAMN appointments! Better luck tomorrow honey, hope you're kid makes it through the night! (and yes, this is exactly how it works, no exaggeration)
Scenerio numero tres: God forbid you become "with child", because not only will you husband probably not be there for the birth, but will also miss about half of the future birthdays as well. Luck, just isn't on your side sweetie. But I hope you have a little bit, so just maybe, in an act of God himself, you might get the luxury of seeing the same OB/GYN doctor more than 2 x's in a row! Realistically, it just doesn't work like that here in military land. Just when you get used to undressing in front of the still unfamiliar physician, you arrive at your next appointment only to be told that suprise!!! Your obstetrician has... PCS'ED! (that would be a permanant change of station, or rather, has MOVED! You lucky civilian bastards!!!) So get to the back of the line, little pregnant momma, you're doctor just received some Active Duty Prioritization.... to another base! You gettin the picture, right?
But yes....no matter what is thrown at your way, you just become used to it all. The whole, "Im sorry, I can't attend the parent teacher conference because I have nuclear weapons training that day" actually makes you slightly proud. You tend to forget to be bothered that you and your children pull that short stick over and over and over. You are dependent XXXX-31! And almost, proud?! There comes a day, in which you not only learn the lingo, but you even understand all the confusing acronyms.... AFSC, TAC, SAC, ACC, NCO, 2A53X, OSI, 1st Shirt....(much like texting, but way harder!) Squadron Commander, Flight Commander, Group Commander, Wing Commander, Base Commander.... chain of command, Commander in Chief.
You strangely marvel at the dynamics and the beauty of the Air Power living beside you.... B-52, B1-B, F-15E, F-16, CV-22 Osprey, F-22 Stealth Fighter, SR-71 Blackbird. Amazing really. Front row, flightline exclusive seating for impromptu Space Shuttle landings. And I just can NOT leave out the fabulous Class 6! That's the military liquor store, 'cause yeah, us pregnant little momma's need our daily dose!)
All in all, it's not too terrible of a lifestyle; if you can learn to adjust to being just a lowly number in the system, a mostly single parent, used to seeing men run around with scary weapontry, obsessive boot shining in front of late night television, ironing camo during dinner, and always....always, remembering that you come last. Because like they say in the Air Force, "If we would have wanted you to have a wife and children, we would have ISSUED them to you!" Honestly, it's been an okay ride, and somewhat of a decent life. But I can seriously say now, "NO THANK YOU!!!! So long Uncle Sam, this chick ain't wearing THAT ring any longer! I'm out of here, and THRILLED!!!" Good bye, military. Good bye, Uncle Sam. Good bye, camoflauge. And good bye NUCLEAR WEAPONS!!
I've done my time. 14 years worth... I have the scars, and I have the knowledge. And frankly my dear Scarlett, I just don't give a damn. I don't want it anymore, and I'm good.
*writers note: If you ever, do happen, to find yourself inside a military establishment.... Do not speed. They don't like it too much. Just sayin..... :)
Military life becomes so ingrained inside your head, that after a time you actually begin to think that the outside civilian world is the oddity! Everyone single person you know, everyone you have contact with....friends, neighbors, co-workers, doctors, dentists, bosses; everyone... wears Blues or camoflauge. Your son's pediatrician? Yep, camoflauge uniform, black combat boots with a white jacket on top! In time, you learn the geographical lingo like the rest of them. You stop referring to towns and cities by their given name, and only speak in terms of 'base location'. You aren't from Bossier City, you're from Barksdale AFB. Your husband isn't TDY (that's temporary duty...where they send your hubby off to wherever they want, to usually play war games or some stupidity) but no, he's not TDY in Las Vegas, he's at Nellis. And no, you are not about to pack up and move to England, you're going to Lakenheath AB, home of the British Royal Air Force. Yet, you actually do grow accustomed to seeing security forces all around you, standing at the gas station with AK-47 assault rifles strung over their shoulders, while you make a mad dash for some smokes and beer. And oh, the wonderous joys of bringing your excited children to the Commissary to pick up their birthday cake, only to be met at the entrance by scary looking military militia personel wearing their chem-warfare get up, totin' M-16 machine guns along with them....LOADED.
You don't have a spouse, you have a "sponsor", and you are classified as a "dependant", with no name, only a number. Which just happens to be, your husbands last 4 of his SS, followed by your marital code. (30 is 1st wife, 31 is 2nd wife) And the same goes for your children. Last 4 of the sponsor's social, ending with the child code.... 01, 02, 03 etc. I've lived for 14 years, as XXXX-31, and wondering when it would finally occur to the Air Force, that I am a 31, not a 30? HELLO??? SECOND WIFE!!!! Just one of the many perks.
But how about the lovely "Freedom of Information Act".... such a wonderful thing, it is. If we, as military spouses actually HAD IT! Freedom of information my ass! Maybe you civilians out there get a little bit of it, but we certainly don't. Always having to keep that mobility bag stocked and ready to go. Ready to be thrown inside the cargo bay of a plane headed to "we can't say". Middle of the night phone calls, in which you must then drive your spouse to the squadron hangar, and put him on some secret looking aircraft, headed for some "classified" unknown destination. You don't know where he's going, or when he's coming back. Try explaining THAT to your crying left behind children. "Mommy, where is daddy going?"...."I don't know, probably to go drop some bombs on our latest and newest enemy... you know, 'cause if they aren't one of us, they're the bad guys"...."But noooooooo! When is he coming home??"...."Sadly little 3 year old, your guess is honestly as good as mine, but hey! Don't cry! Let's go shop for (insert soon to be missed holiday here)! Freedom of information sucks!
Yet, even though your families lives are constantly in a state of confusion, afraid of what's next, you still give it your best effort to provide some sense of normalcy for your children. Casting to the wayside the thought that a set of orders could come at any given moment, (or worse, the unmarked navy blue car visits you in the middle of the night while the men driving it are carrying a carefully folded flag and are in full military dress), but I'm leaving the more depressive scenerios out of this.... so, you receive those orders, that will require you to pack and move (again) to another foreign city or country, forcing you to start all over, and all you can do is accept it, and take it with a grain of salt. You make new friends, enroll in new schools, change doctors, find a new home.....and then ooops, daddy's going back to war, (again) leaving you all alone in your new surroundings to pick up the pieces. Sadly, you just become used to the sheer madness of it all. You keep your same routine in place. You pack, and unpack, settle in and just adjust. Then one day you wake up, and realize, that it just doesn't bother you anymore. Except, after you make friends with some new civilian folks, and they are constantly talking about how their little precious babies are headed to grandpa's and grandma's for the night/weekend. You think to yourself, "damn they're lucky! I haven't seen my parents since last Christmas!" But that's just how it is... us military folk see our extended family about twice a year.
I know what you're thinking! Being a member of the Armed Forces has many great benefits!! All that tax free shopping, free healthcare, the works! But let me explain to you, exactly how all that great "crap" really works. See, in the Air Force, we have what is called, "Active Duty Military Personel have Priority". Please, let me explain it to you! Come along, and let's go to the BX, shall we? (and seriously, have you really SEEN the crap they sell there? Please... I'd rather shop anywhere, and pay the dang Boston Tea Tax, than waste my time at the BX) but ok, let's go anyway. We have our screaming kids in tow, (I think?) and we have all of our wonderful tax free goods. We make a beeline for the register, but ooops! What is this? Oh yeah..... Active Duty Personel have Priority. What does that mean exactly, you ask? It means you just landed on "lose the next 2 hours of turns", cuz you get to go to the back of the line baby! Yep, when in uniform, military personel get to go FIRST!! So back it up hooker, and take your screaming kids with you.
Scenerio numero dos: Your 2 month old baby, has been crying and riddled with a 105 fever all night long. You've got to drag yourself out of the bed at 7:00 am sharp, the minute day break hits. Because, yep! That's when the lines open for the 2nd Medical Group Clinic. Granted, you won't speak to a person, but you don't get a choice, so go ahead and call... call them! (this one is always fun!!) And by the way, you only have a 30 minute window, so dont mess around. Breakfast and the school bus for your other children are just going to have to wait! You call at straight up 7:00. Then you sit on hold for the next 30 minutes, and then at precisely 7:31, the automated voice answers, informing you that there are no available appointments for that day, and to please try back again....TOMORROW! And hell yeah, all Active Duty Personel have Priority!!!!!! Because THEY get to call starting at 6:30, and take ALL THE DAMN appointments! Better luck tomorrow honey, hope you're kid makes it through the night! (and yes, this is exactly how it works, no exaggeration)
Scenerio numero tres: God forbid you become "with child", because not only will you husband probably not be there for the birth, but will also miss about half of the future birthdays as well. Luck, just isn't on your side sweetie. But I hope you have a little bit, so just maybe, in an act of God himself, you might get the luxury of seeing the same OB/GYN doctor more than 2 x's in a row! Realistically, it just doesn't work like that here in military land. Just when you get used to undressing in front of the still unfamiliar physician, you arrive at your next appointment only to be told that suprise!!! Your obstetrician has... PCS'ED! (that would be a permanant change of station, or rather, has MOVED! You lucky civilian bastards!!!) So get to the back of the line, little pregnant momma, you're doctor just received some Active Duty Prioritization.... to another base! You gettin the picture, right?
But yes....no matter what is thrown at your way, you just become used to it all. The whole, "Im sorry, I can't attend the parent teacher conference because I have nuclear weapons training that day" actually makes you slightly proud. You tend to forget to be bothered that you and your children pull that short stick over and over and over. You are dependent XXXX-31! And almost, proud?! There comes a day, in which you not only learn the lingo, but you even understand all the confusing acronyms.... AFSC, TAC, SAC, ACC, NCO, 2A53X, OSI, 1st Shirt....(much like texting, but way harder!) Squadron Commander, Flight Commander, Group Commander, Wing Commander, Base Commander.... chain of command, Commander in Chief.
You strangely marvel at the dynamics and the beauty of the Air Power living beside you.... B-52, B1-B, F-15E, F-16, CV-22 Osprey, F-22 Stealth Fighter, SR-71 Blackbird. Amazing really. Front row, flightline exclusive seating for impromptu Space Shuttle landings. And I just can NOT leave out the fabulous Class 6! That's the military liquor store, 'cause yeah, us pregnant little momma's need our daily dose!)
All in all, it's not too terrible of a lifestyle; if you can learn to adjust to being just a lowly number in the system, a mostly single parent, used to seeing men run around with scary weapontry, obsessive boot shining in front of late night television, ironing camo during dinner, and always....always, remembering that you come last. Because like they say in the Air Force, "If we would have wanted you to have a wife and children, we would have ISSUED them to you!" Honestly, it's been an okay ride, and somewhat of a decent life. But I can seriously say now, "NO THANK YOU!!!! So long Uncle Sam, this chick ain't wearing THAT ring any longer! I'm out of here, and THRILLED!!!" Good bye, military. Good bye, Uncle Sam. Good bye, camoflauge. And good bye NUCLEAR WEAPONS!!
I've done my time. 14 years worth... I have the scars, and I have the knowledge. And frankly my dear Scarlett, I just don't give a damn. I don't want it anymore, and I'm good.
*writers note: If you ever, do happen, to find yourself inside a military establishment.... Do not speed. They don't like it too much. Just sayin..... :)
Monday, October 12, 2009
Just Say'n....
A great friend, to whom I have to give due credit, said these two words one day.... "Just Sayin" - and yeah, I stole it... Good and dang stole it, right out from under him. But not only did I steal it, I managed to get all of my friends to use it. In everyday language, and all over the internet. So much so, that now, my dear friend, feels he can never use his own beautiful saying again. I suppose I owe him for it, which frankly, is the point of this latest post. I'm not just a catch phrase stealing ho, but I also am just a girl, who realizes the error of her theiving ways, and would like to take the opportunity to give one of my best friends, his due credit. Just sayin.... :)
Yes, it was HIS catch phrase... and I know what you all are thinking, that he is not the ONE single person responsible for creating such a phrase, as "just sayin", and everyday other folks say it all the time. But see, my and my friend, well, we pretty much think we're the closest thing to perfection basically, and I'm gonna to ahead and say that YEAH, he coined it totally. And then, like the true great perfect friend that I am, I stole it.... just sayin. :)
But what does that phrase mean, really? "Just Sayin".... two little words. So very simple, yet all encompassing. Two word perfection, it seems. As wonderful as those words are, and the joy I get from plastering them all over myspace and facebook, forced me to take a closer look at what they actually mean. Seriously, 174 comments on a facebook update, all ending in "just sayin" has got to mean something! Such grandeur, really. To be able to throw those stolen words around, for others to also say and use. The desire for such coinage was just too great, to not really dig down deeper, and discover what they truly mean! What is it about those 2 little words, that I love (and now, so do all my friends) about them? Maybe because they weren't really mine? Maybe because I just like how they sound? I seriously don't know, I just like them is all. But I am thinking that maybe it's just that those 2 tiny words, can add so much to the end of a sentence, and make it, well, just feel good! An all inclusive, all encompassing catch phrase. And you stole it, right out from some innocent person. What a warm feeling... the victim feels they can never use their own thing again, but isn't that the entire point of stealing? And no, this isn't my attempt at serving some self discrimminatory blog posting about nothing. Really, it isn't. "Just Sayin", is the greatest thing of all. I can say it, you can say it, we can all say it!! Except my friend, he refuses to use it again. Just sayin.... :)
But, because it was kind of wrong (fine, I admit it!) of me to steal from a friend, and perform the ultimate betrayal upon him, I decided to make something good come out of it. So what I've done, is create a list, of my top 5 reasons of using just such a catch phrase, gifting to you, the masses, my creative and stolen wisdom, in the hopes that my theivery error can be forgiven. And no, I don't want ALL the credit, just a little is all. Sometimes, I can be such a monster. I really hope that this makes up for my bad behavior with my friend! So here goes... my top 5 list of times when you should absolutely, without a doubt, use the phrase, "Just Sayin"...
1. When being pulled over by the police after a night of heavy drinking and partying. When officer Billy Bob (forgive me, we live in the deep south, and all badge patrolling law enforcement is named in such a manner) requests to see your license and registration, give it to him. Don't argue. You can do that later, when your spouse posts your bail. Eventually, you know that Officer Bob is going to notice your slurred language, and the reeking of alcohol (or worse) on your breath. Your going to have to take the walk, spell the alphabet backwards (which honestly, no sober person can do either, whether from the south, OR the north, so don't feel too terrribly bad about failing this one, just sayin) and then you will have to blow into the big and scary... BREATHALIZER. But never fear, you do have rights, and you can invoke them at any time. Doesn't mean you won't go to jail, but just pointing out that you DO have them. After you fail your tests miserably, the one question the police love to ask us, is are we aware of what illegal event we are being accused of. IE, "Are you aware, Ms. Reding", that you were going 115 in a 35 mph zone? um, yes but I'm a Cullen?", or, "Ms. Reding, are you aware that you have not had insurance in the state of Louisiana since 1985? um, yes, but I also have a good explanation for that one, I just can't remember what it is because of my alcohol consumption?" Please step out of the car ma'mam..... So yes, they are going to ask you, if you have been drinking. Just tell em straight up, be a stand up guy/girl. Down here, we might be drunk, but we still have our southern manners, and we aren't liars! "Yep, officer Billy Bob, I have been drinking. I have the best friends, and we've been out all night long, partying it up drinking and dancing. Went to a few strip clubs, made a little money playing illegal poker, and well, yep, I'm inebriated and have been having a grand ole time!" After your spouse makes your bail, (if you aren't in divorce court yet) and you go before the judge on Monday morning..... and he states all your drunken highway confessions to Billy Boy back to you. You just take one look at the politically motivated and probaby paid for judge, and you say: "I know what I said, and I just want to say: I take NONE of it back, as a matter of fact, let me out of here so I can do it again, my friends are waiting with a 6 pack of Natural Light for me!! And by the way, I did NOT vote for you, Mr. Honorable, "Bought & Paid For" Judge, because you really freaking suck, and politics are full of hypocrites. Just like church on a Sunday morning! ..... SO!! IM JUST SAYIN!!!!" Yep, you're going down, but you will be remembered. And I'm just sayin... :)
2. When your kids ask you why there will be no Christmas presents this year from Santa.... you look them square in the eyes, and state: "Because you have been the absolute worst children this side of man kind. You don't listen, you don't pick up your toys, and frankly, you don't deserve presents this year. I'm tired of your incessant whining, and really, you're the reason I drink and got my 3rd DUI offense last night...." And as they plead, and beg for your parenting mercy, you just respond back with "La La La, I am not listening to your 5th grade immaturity.... just sayin!" :)
3. After realizing your Wal-Mart grocery total is $597.23, and you only have 3 bucks in your wallet, no explanation is actually needed in this fun scenerio. Give the checker your 3 bucks, ask for your change back in small unmarked bills, and state: "Just sayin!" Then attempt to walk out with your 6 buggies full of unpaid items. So classic, this one. Just sayin.... :)
4. Everyone who is a parent with an ADHD child, and probably some just plain ole parents, without the luxury of a medical diagnosed scape goat child, has recieved one of those dreaded phone calls from the school of attendance. Your child, has committed the ultimate (but usally funny) offense, and now you're being informed of his or her actions. As that black cloud looms overhead, and your mind drifts off from what the idiotic teacher is ranting about, (this time!) simply, and in true "just sayin style", ignore her! She's unworthy of your time. When she finishes, and asks if you are still on the line (and assuming that you ARE still on the line at this point) ask HER if she knows how perfect your child is, and how stupid and irritating she is for bothering you with such educational drama..... simply ask her: "Ms. Dumb A$$ So & So? Did you arrive on this planet from Mars? Are your true geneological parents aliens with big green heads? I'm not listening to your whining and complaining for one more hot second! You seriously are uneducated and were probably fired as a stripper for not being able to make your pimp enough money. Did you even go to "collige"? And now great, you're a teacher!!! So shut up talking about my precious angel! Just sayin!!!" :)
5. We've all done it. Spent all the hard earned money from our spouse, with no explanation other than "I Dunno?!" And so, in true marital argumentative style, the fight ensues. Allegations, and harmful words begin. Throwing out names like ice picks on a Saturday morning. Painful words, stabbing sort of words, evil sharp tongued slanderous accusations. Voices become raised, and the kids are threatening to call the law. Such wonderful parenting actions, really. And if it isn't the children scared for their own lives, it's probably the neighbors. But never fear, I have the ultimate solution for the masses out there, who have found themselves in just such a position. And honestly, haven't we all been in just such a position as this? Just one of the warm and wonderful perks of marriage bliss. But just stop right there. Cease your fightin' words! Simmer down a bit. Take a breath. Breathe out, breathe in....There is no need for such atrocities!! As you can probably guess by now, you know good and well what I'm going to tell you say. And you are right. Just those two simple, but outstandingly wonderful words. Look your spouse dead in the face, and state the following: "Honey, I love you (or not, just speaking generally here) and yes, I spent our entie savings on nothing but designer handbags, designer jeans, and 65 pairs of fantastic stilletto heels. No, I did not need all of these items. But, damnit, I WANTED them... (and then, you just smile, and proceed to add in the coup'de gras) See, the fact is, is that I wanted them!!!! And it's already done, and they ain't going back! (yes, down here in the south, we use the word "aint"... it means aren't. And for the record, we also use Ya'll, and we like it. So don't correct me, just sayin...) I bought them, and guess what else, I DONT CARE... JUST SAYIN!!!!!!" Yes, you will undeniably end up in divorce court after your 6 month waiting period is over with, but just think, you will be able to shop as much as you like, spend as much as you want, and never have to argue your need for a Prada handbag ever again. And as a matter of fact, you can purchase your designer, yet necessary, items, with your new found source of income: alimony and child support. That will show him a thing or two!!!! Just sayin..... :)
**writers note: after grasping the lovely concept, of "just sayin", please make sure you give credit where credit is absolutely due. It should read as follows: "To the humorously wise friend, who shall remain anonymous..."(and whom I just can't let out of the bag you see, because well, he has the most amazing eyes, and they might do the same thing to you, as they do to me....and I can't be having none of that! But who would also like to use his own prison shank, to watch his Ex bleed out in a Hello Kitty Blood bank, and is also as crazy as I am :) just sayin....) "yet, completely credit worthy and deserving" (who, I might add, can bust out a groove as good as me) "and all props shall be given, and dubbed forever more upon, the friend of the crazy and sometimes comically funny internet blogger, sometimes wild and beautiful, sometimes crazy... but always good for a laugh, the one and only Elizabeth (full name, used purely for effect) a certifiable catch phrase thief!" :)
And YEAH, IM JUST SAYIN'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, it was HIS catch phrase... and I know what you all are thinking, that he is not the ONE single person responsible for creating such a phrase, as "just sayin", and everyday other folks say it all the time. But see, my and my friend, well, we pretty much think we're the closest thing to perfection basically, and I'm gonna to ahead and say that YEAH, he coined it totally. And then, like the true great perfect friend that I am, I stole it.... just sayin. :)
But what does that phrase mean, really? "Just Sayin".... two little words. So very simple, yet all encompassing. Two word perfection, it seems. As wonderful as those words are, and the joy I get from plastering them all over myspace and facebook, forced me to take a closer look at what they actually mean. Seriously, 174 comments on a facebook update, all ending in "just sayin" has got to mean something! Such grandeur, really. To be able to throw those stolen words around, for others to also say and use. The desire for such coinage was just too great, to not really dig down deeper, and discover what they truly mean! What is it about those 2 little words, that I love (and now, so do all my friends) about them? Maybe because they weren't really mine? Maybe because I just like how they sound? I seriously don't know, I just like them is all. But I am thinking that maybe it's just that those 2 tiny words, can add so much to the end of a sentence, and make it, well, just feel good! An all inclusive, all encompassing catch phrase. And you stole it, right out from some innocent person. What a warm feeling... the victim feels they can never use their own thing again, but isn't that the entire point of stealing? And no, this isn't my attempt at serving some self discrimminatory blog posting about nothing. Really, it isn't. "Just Sayin", is the greatest thing of all. I can say it, you can say it, we can all say it!! Except my friend, he refuses to use it again. Just sayin.... :)
But, because it was kind of wrong (fine, I admit it!) of me to steal from a friend, and perform the ultimate betrayal upon him, I decided to make something good come out of it. So what I've done, is create a list, of my top 5 reasons of using just such a catch phrase, gifting to you, the masses, my creative and stolen wisdom, in the hopes that my theivery error can be forgiven. And no, I don't want ALL the credit, just a little is all. Sometimes, I can be such a monster. I really hope that this makes up for my bad behavior with my friend! So here goes... my top 5 list of times when you should absolutely, without a doubt, use the phrase, "Just Sayin"...
1. When being pulled over by the police after a night of heavy drinking and partying. When officer Billy Bob (forgive me, we live in the deep south, and all badge patrolling law enforcement is named in such a manner) requests to see your license and registration, give it to him. Don't argue. You can do that later, when your spouse posts your bail. Eventually, you know that Officer Bob is going to notice your slurred language, and the reeking of alcohol (or worse) on your breath. Your going to have to take the walk, spell the alphabet backwards (which honestly, no sober person can do either, whether from the south, OR the north, so don't feel too terrribly bad about failing this one, just sayin) and then you will have to blow into the big and scary... BREATHALIZER. But never fear, you do have rights, and you can invoke them at any time. Doesn't mean you won't go to jail, but just pointing out that you DO have them. After you fail your tests miserably, the one question the police love to ask us, is are we aware of what illegal event we are being accused of. IE, "Are you aware, Ms. Reding", that you were going 115 in a 35 mph zone? um, yes but I'm a Cullen?", or, "Ms. Reding, are you aware that you have not had insurance in the state of Louisiana since 1985? um, yes, but I also have a good explanation for that one, I just can't remember what it is because of my alcohol consumption?" Please step out of the car ma'mam..... So yes, they are going to ask you, if you have been drinking. Just tell em straight up, be a stand up guy/girl. Down here, we might be drunk, but we still have our southern manners, and we aren't liars! "Yep, officer Billy Bob, I have been drinking. I have the best friends, and we've been out all night long, partying it up drinking and dancing. Went to a few strip clubs, made a little money playing illegal poker, and well, yep, I'm inebriated and have been having a grand ole time!" After your spouse makes your bail, (if you aren't in divorce court yet) and you go before the judge on Monday morning..... and he states all your drunken highway confessions to Billy Boy back to you. You just take one look at the politically motivated and probaby paid for judge, and you say: "I know what I said, and I just want to say: I take NONE of it back, as a matter of fact, let me out of here so I can do it again, my friends are waiting with a 6 pack of Natural Light for me!! And by the way, I did NOT vote for you, Mr. Honorable, "Bought & Paid For" Judge, because you really freaking suck, and politics are full of hypocrites. Just like church on a Sunday morning! ..... SO!! IM JUST SAYIN!!!!" Yep, you're going down, but you will be remembered. And I'm just sayin... :)
2. When your kids ask you why there will be no Christmas presents this year from Santa.... you look them square in the eyes, and state: "Because you have been the absolute worst children this side of man kind. You don't listen, you don't pick up your toys, and frankly, you don't deserve presents this year. I'm tired of your incessant whining, and really, you're the reason I drink and got my 3rd DUI offense last night...." And as they plead, and beg for your parenting mercy, you just respond back with "La La La, I am not listening to your 5th grade immaturity.... just sayin!" :)
3. After realizing your Wal-Mart grocery total is $597.23, and you only have 3 bucks in your wallet, no explanation is actually needed in this fun scenerio. Give the checker your 3 bucks, ask for your change back in small unmarked bills, and state: "Just sayin!" Then attempt to walk out with your 6 buggies full of unpaid items. So classic, this one. Just sayin.... :)
4. Everyone who is a parent with an ADHD child, and probably some just plain ole parents, without the luxury of a medical diagnosed scape goat child, has recieved one of those dreaded phone calls from the school of attendance. Your child, has committed the ultimate (but usally funny) offense, and now you're being informed of his or her actions. As that black cloud looms overhead, and your mind drifts off from what the idiotic teacher is ranting about, (this time!) simply, and in true "just sayin style", ignore her! She's unworthy of your time. When she finishes, and asks if you are still on the line (and assuming that you ARE still on the line at this point) ask HER if she knows how perfect your child is, and how stupid and irritating she is for bothering you with such educational drama..... simply ask her: "Ms. Dumb A$$ So & So? Did you arrive on this planet from Mars? Are your true geneological parents aliens with big green heads? I'm not listening to your whining and complaining for one more hot second! You seriously are uneducated and were probably fired as a stripper for not being able to make your pimp enough money. Did you even go to "collige"? And now great, you're a teacher!!! So shut up talking about my precious angel! Just sayin!!!" :)
5. We've all done it. Spent all the hard earned money from our spouse, with no explanation other than "I Dunno?!" And so, in true marital argumentative style, the fight ensues. Allegations, and harmful words begin. Throwing out names like ice picks on a Saturday morning. Painful words, stabbing sort of words, evil sharp tongued slanderous accusations. Voices become raised, and the kids are threatening to call the law. Such wonderful parenting actions, really. And if it isn't the children scared for their own lives, it's probably the neighbors. But never fear, I have the ultimate solution for the masses out there, who have found themselves in just such a position. And honestly, haven't we all been in just such a position as this? Just one of the warm and wonderful perks of marriage bliss. But just stop right there. Cease your fightin' words! Simmer down a bit. Take a breath. Breathe out, breathe in....There is no need for such atrocities!! As you can probably guess by now, you know good and well what I'm going to tell you say. And you are right. Just those two simple, but outstandingly wonderful words. Look your spouse dead in the face, and state the following: "Honey, I love you (or not, just speaking generally here) and yes, I spent our entie savings on nothing but designer handbags, designer jeans, and 65 pairs of fantastic stilletto heels. No, I did not need all of these items. But, damnit, I WANTED them... (and then, you just smile, and proceed to add in the coup'de gras) See, the fact is, is that I wanted them!!!! And it's already done, and they ain't going back! (yes, down here in the south, we use the word "aint"... it means aren't. And for the record, we also use Ya'll, and we like it. So don't correct me, just sayin...) I bought them, and guess what else, I DONT CARE... JUST SAYIN!!!!!!" Yes, you will undeniably end up in divorce court after your 6 month waiting period is over with, but just think, you will be able to shop as much as you like, spend as much as you want, and never have to argue your need for a Prada handbag ever again. And as a matter of fact, you can purchase your designer, yet necessary, items, with your new found source of income: alimony and child support. That will show him a thing or two!!!! Just sayin..... :)
**writers note: after grasping the lovely concept, of "just sayin", please make sure you give credit where credit is absolutely due. It should read as follows: "To the humorously wise friend, who shall remain anonymous..."(and whom I just can't let out of the bag you see, because well, he has the most amazing eyes, and they might do the same thing to you, as they do to me....and I can't be having none of that! But who would also like to use his own prison shank, to watch his Ex bleed out in a Hello Kitty Blood bank, and is also as crazy as I am :) just sayin....) "yet, completely credit worthy and deserving" (who, I might add, can bust out a groove as good as me) "and all props shall be given, and dubbed forever more upon, the friend of the crazy and sometimes comically funny internet blogger, sometimes wild and beautiful, sometimes crazy... but always good for a laugh, the one and only Elizabeth (full name, used purely for effect) a certifiable catch phrase thief!" :)
And YEAH, IM JUST SAYIN'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bourbon Street, USA
We've all heard of them.... those 7 majestic wonders of the world. Even Kimberly Locke, who rose to American Idol fame with her beautiful pipes, tried to secure a spot for her un-named lover, as the 8th wonder. But I'm here to announce, my own fantastic opinion on such the idea of an "8th wonder", hereby snatching that title from Kim's anonymous lover... and frankly, if he must remain anonymous, he probably doesn't deserve the honor anyway.
That aside, I would like to name (because I am an authority on such matters, just sayin) Bourbon Street, USA as the next wonder of the world. The 8th natural beauty of this fabulous earth. Glorious and beautiful, Bourbon Street is a shoo in, I believe, for just such an honor. And maybe, as native Louisianians (what a spell check nightmare!) do, we take for granted our Bourbon St heritage, not fully realizing that our fellow American countrymen might not have experienced the wonders of the French Quarter? Almost a magical place, there is no place like the Dirty South's geographical location of the Quarter... and yes, it is indeed dirty. Really dirty. Oh so very, very wonderfully dirty. But us southern folk like our fun good and "dirty"! Think, crawfish, boudin and beer.
We like our food spicy and original, and our beer cold. We eat crustaceans that live in ditches, with corn and potaoes. We concoct frozen beverages named after devastating tragic weather events, and 4 a.m. illegal behavior. But it's Bourbon St., and anything goes. Seven days a week, 24 hours a day... except on Sunday mornings, when the street sweeper arrives, giving us Bourbon-ites the opportunity to head to the nearest Cathlolic establishment (and yes, all of our religious buildings begin with the word "Saint", along with our football team, go figure, we love ourselves!) with our rosary beads, and "Hail Mary's" in tow, we hit up the nearest confessional where we get down on our knees and plead for forgiveness. For those who can't make it to plead for priestly mercy, we can be found pleading the 5th at the closest Quarter precinct. But you just have to face it, in Louisiana, throw out enough Hail Mary's, and you're always forgiven. That's a fact! It just isn't a worthy time on Bourbon, if you don't leave our super state with a hurricane hangover, colorful beads from going topless, and a rap sheet... that's just how we roll in the Dirty South.
Even for the most reserved bunch, one night in the Quarter can bring out the deepest, unknown wildest desires and behavior. It's a well known American saying, "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas", but down here in the south, we like to say, "What happens on Bourbon, usually ends up on the net, (or in jail) and we LIKE it that way!!".... and yes, if I'm being honest, periodically on Joe Francis' Girls Gone Wild videos. Either way, it doesn't count if you can't remember it! No memory or recollection equals one grand time! If you wish, you make take photographs to help jog your brain afterward, but true Louisianians believe that pictures = evidence, and we strongly discourage it. Yet, sadly, I've come to realize, that there are actually living and breathing people, who can not say, "This one time, on Bourbon street..." So I, as the self proclaimed, "Bourbon Queen of the Damned", would personally love to have the majestic honor, of changing that fact in this country! Call it a rite of passage. List it as a prerequisite for graduation of high school. Put it on the requirements of the U.S. Citizenship test. Whatever it takes, really, just get them northern folks down here to the Dirty South....where anything is allowed, and all is forgiven.
Once I secure this procurement, of establishing Bourbon Street as the 8th natural wonder of the world (even though, I firmly believe it should be listed as the FIRST, bumping The Temple of Artemis right on out of that coveted position) I would like to bring to your attention just a few simple words of Quarter wisdom... or reminders, for you first timers.
1. Never keep important items in your pockets. You will lose them...
2. Never put important items in your pack of "Cowboy Killers" (Marlboros, to you non smokers) you will lose them...
3. Never let go of important items in a cab driven by a foreign national. You will lose them...
4. And always, and I mean ALWAYS bring extra brain cells to New Orleans, and our dirty south. Because I can say, with complete certainly and first hand experience, you WILL lose them...
A great friend pointed out to me not too terribly long ago, after enough booze and fun Bourbon Street partake-age, losing everything you own in the French Quarter, well, just seems unimportant and ok, slightly trivial! To us true Bourbon-ites, that typical scenerio just has "good freaking time" written all over it! :) Besides, as my friend likes to say, "If it's not part of your body, don't worry about losing it while drunk!!!" 'cause yea.... that's just how we roll, down here in the dirty south. So bring your skimpiest clothes, and your American Express. Bring your friends, and bring your kin... just don't bring your kids. Unless they're over the age of 5, then by all means, all are welcome after dark... In the dirty, dirty south. And that, my friends, is what it's all about.
Seriously.... I want the Nobel Peace prize for this.
That aside, I would like to name (because I am an authority on such matters, just sayin) Bourbon Street, USA as the next wonder of the world. The 8th natural beauty of this fabulous earth. Glorious and beautiful, Bourbon Street is a shoo in, I believe, for just such an honor. And maybe, as native Louisianians (what a spell check nightmare!) do, we take for granted our Bourbon St heritage, not fully realizing that our fellow American countrymen might not have experienced the wonders of the French Quarter? Almost a magical place, there is no place like the Dirty South's geographical location of the Quarter... and yes, it is indeed dirty. Really dirty. Oh so very, very wonderfully dirty. But us southern folk like our fun good and "dirty"! Think, crawfish, boudin and beer.
We like our food spicy and original, and our beer cold. We eat crustaceans that live in ditches, with corn and potaoes. We concoct frozen beverages named after devastating tragic weather events, and 4 a.m. illegal behavior. But it's Bourbon St., and anything goes. Seven days a week, 24 hours a day... except on Sunday mornings, when the street sweeper arrives, giving us Bourbon-ites the opportunity to head to the nearest Cathlolic establishment (and yes, all of our religious buildings begin with the word "Saint", along with our football team, go figure, we love ourselves!) with our rosary beads, and "Hail Mary's" in tow, we hit up the nearest confessional where we get down on our knees and plead for forgiveness. For those who can't make it to plead for priestly mercy, we can be found pleading the 5th at the closest Quarter precinct. But you just have to face it, in Louisiana, throw out enough Hail Mary's, and you're always forgiven. That's a fact! It just isn't a worthy time on Bourbon, if you don't leave our super state with a hurricane hangover, colorful beads from going topless, and a rap sheet... that's just how we roll in the Dirty South.
Even for the most reserved bunch, one night in the Quarter can bring out the deepest, unknown wildest desires and behavior. It's a well known American saying, "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas", but down here in the south, we like to say, "What happens on Bourbon, usually ends up on the net, (or in jail) and we LIKE it that way!!".... and yes, if I'm being honest, periodically on Joe Francis' Girls Gone Wild videos. Either way, it doesn't count if you can't remember it! No memory or recollection equals one grand time! If you wish, you make take photographs to help jog your brain afterward, but true Louisianians believe that pictures = evidence, and we strongly discourage it. Yet, sadly, I've come to realize, that there are actually living and breathing people, who can not say, "This one time, on Bourbon street..." So I, as the self proclaimed, "Bourbon Queen of the Damned", would personally love to have the majestic honor, of changing that fact in this country! Call it a rite of passage. List it as a prerequisite for graduation of high school. Put it on the requirements of the U.S. Citizenship test. Whatever it takes, really, just get them northern folks down here to the Dirty South....where anything is allowed, and all is forgiven.
Once I secure this procurement, of establishing Bourbon Street as the 8th natural wonder of the world (even though, I firmly believe it should be listed as the FIRST, bumping The Temple of Artemis right on out of that coveted position) I would like to bring to your attention just a few simple words of Quarter wisdom... or reminders, for you first timers.
1. Never keep important items in your pockets. You will lose them...
2. Never put important items in your pack of "Cowboy Killers" (Marlboros, to you non smokers) you will lose them...
3. Never let go of important items in a cab driven by a foreign national. You will lose them...
4. And always, and I mean ALWAYS bring extra brain cells to New Orleans, and our dirty south. Because I can say, with complete certainly and first hand experience, you WILL lose them...
A great friend pointed out to me not too terribly long ago, after enough booze and fun Bourbon Street partake-age, losing everything you own in the French Quarter, well, just seems unimportant and ok, slightly trivial! To us true Bourbon-ites, that typical scenerio just has "good freaking time" written all over it! :) Besides, as my friend likes to say, "If it's not part of your body, don't worry about losing it while drunk!!!" 'cause yea.... that's just how we roll, down here in the dirty south. So bring your skimpiest clothes, and your American Express. Bring your friends, and bring your kin... just don't bring your kids. Unless they're over the age of 5, then by all means, all are welcome after dark... In the dirty, dirty south. And that, my friends, is what it's all about.
Seriously.... I want the Nobel Peace prize for this.
The Power Of Fish
You are probably asking yourself, who gives a rats ass about fish? Two words... I DO! I know, you're thinking to yourself that I, the obsessively indoor kind of girl, has gone completely out of her mind. (this does have some truth to it, actually!) However, my fish story has it's origins which began 5 days ago. I'll start at the beginning....Monday began as any other Monday should, for the "deployed spouse left behind", mother. Reality sinks in, as you frantically try and keep things in order. Kids to school, finals to study and prepare for, work, etc....But then it occured to me, as I had already freely sailed effortlessly through the first 1/2 of my day. Cheerleader practice.... on the other side of town, 4 times a week and the younger ADHD/Autisic child who was going to be seriously pissed having to be drug along.....Now this is no ordinary child, mind you. This is the 9 year old son, who refuses to leave the sanctuary of his room for even candy! Much less, to be drug all over town to further support his older sisters cheerleading career. But off we go..... no dinner, no medication, no gameboy. You can surely picture how THIS story unfolds! (yes, he is still breathing...)Thus begins Tuesday, the next day...... and then Wednesday. I am at my wits end! I can NOT do this for 6 months! This is insanity! Total, round off, back handpring, back handspring, back tuck INSANITY!Enter the fish:I suddenly realize, that nobody was "forcing" me to sit there night after night, fighting off the urges to strangle my kid! Or at the very least, put him on a plane to stay with his deployed dad over seas. We can go, TO THE PET STORE!And so begins Thursday..... The excitment building beyond belief! I had a miraculous, supernatural intervention in my wilted brain! I was back in pure creative form, which had been previously left at the airport that horrible Saturday morning..... The PET STORE! With FISH! I love fish! Fish must be the greatest invention ever! Red Platy's, Goldfish, Sail Fin Mollies................ This is going to be great!!!! HooRah!!The anticipation is unbearable......The time is here. It's 6:55. I slowly and apprehensively turn to my little professional cheerleader, and utter the words...."Today, I'm just gonna drop you off, ok?" She looks at me in disbelief.... shock. I'm her biggest fan. And I'm gonna do what?? I assure her, it will be fine!!I can't get out of the parking lot fast enough!!!! The steady click of my blinker seems to drag endlessly on and on. I begin to count the stupid ticks of the blinker. 46, 47, 48...... Where the hell did this traffic come from?!And then, there it is....... we enter the glorious kingdom. My slavation for the ADHD child. We see it all.... the fish, the guinea pigs, the ferrets, the mice, the cats, and the birds..... Oh, it's all so beautiful! All the diffrernt colors of the fish. We counted every single one!! PetSmart has exactly 357,931 fish, 37 mice, 8 rats, 3 cats, 5 ferrets and 31 birds! Why hadn't I thought of this sooner? God, I amaze even myself at times! Even the zoo doesn't compare to this!!!Sadly, I came to understand, that there is only so much to do within the wonderful walls of PetSmart... We did it all. We saw it all. And we had a blast doing it! As we head back to cheerleader practice, I glance at the clock. WHAT?!? 20 minutes?! This can't be right!! We saw 400,000 kinds of fish in 20 MINUTES?? Someone, wake me up from this nightmare.......So life goes on... another day, another brilliant, divine plane, thrown to the wayside......Back to Plan A.... A one way ticket to Guam for my son.Who likes freaking fish, anyway?
I'm Just Not June Cleaver
If most of you didn't know, my son is the biggest video game junkie this side of the Nile River. "We" eat, sleep, breathe, dream, obsess over, converse about, and LIVE for video games. (note the "we", as in, I, as a dutiful parent, financially provide these things for him) Oh, how I've tried to get him interested in other things, baseball, football, his bike, ets. Nothing matters, other than those stupid games. And for the struggling ADHD/Autistic child, I am quite capable of imagining how they can be so much fun. Although, the only one I could really play with some effort, was Mario Kart.... all the others, make me dizzy, or were just plain dumb. But realistically, I think video games as a whole, are quite stupid. A wasted use of your brain. And when played day after day, hours at a time, I picture all of the brain cells, being killed off, just like in one of those games.So here's the problem: as he started the 4th grade, he started having some trouble with homework. 5 loooong hours, every night, and THAT was just for spelling!! Medication worn off, feelings on edge, it's a nightmare. One that, as stupid as this sounds, we encouraged. I want my son to eat... (he has several other health issues) we elected to not go with the time released medication, so it would wear off directly after school, then he'd have an appetite, and maybe gain a little weight! But you can only imagine, trying to get someone to sit and down and do homework, after the meds have worn off!So, in my great wisdom, (one of those revelation things again) I took ALL of his video games away from him... & I am talking ALL of them.... Nintendo Gamecube, all 3 gameboys, the Nintendo DS, Wii..........ALL OF IT! Even the television, gone, no more, outta there! Damnit to hell, we are GOING to get that homework done!!! (oh, what a wonderful and attentive mother I'm turning out to be!) From now on, we are gonna be the BEAVER family!!!!! Yes, as in Ward, June, Wally, and the Beave! We'll paint, have homeade ice cream, go for walks, read science books together, watch the history channel, etc...I was thinking, that 1- he would begin to do the homework, and 2- maybe his brain would slow down! and 3- it would make our "family unit" stronger, and more valuable. Although, I had a feeling that making homeade ice cream would take care of that part!!!Of course, that was 6 months ago, and I'm still waiting for it to happen like I thought it would! However, I didn't count on having to go through another deployment, either. Being a single parent will make you do crazy things, that sometimes, well, frankly, look plain idiotic! So now, 6 months after I turned myself into June Cleaver, wih the ole baby daddy laying on a tropical beach somewhere, I am left to my own defenses, with no spousal support to encourage me as I try to be the greatest parent on the face of the earth...So here I sit, on Saturday morning, waiting for the little boy to come crawling out of bed looking for me, wanting some "snuggles" as we call it over here, lazily making his way into my lap asking for the pancakes I promised him last night, and I begin to think about yesterday. Yesterday.... Yesterday, the day June Cleaver died....kind of makes me wanna drive my Chevy to the levy. The end of an era. The end of the world as we know it......You see, yesterday, in all my glory and infinite knowledge, I drove myself to the nearest ToysRus store. I was panicked. Oh, I had already decided to give my baby back the television & hook up the Gamecube, etc. But it just wasn't good enough. He needed more. He needed me. And he needed me to come through for him! He had been punished long enough! His words echoed in my ear. "Mommy, if you get me Pokemon Pearl and Pokemon Diamond, I will be good at Sissy's practice!" What had I been doing to this poor child?! I wasn't June Cleaver! I was me! just me........ And if my little boy wanted/needed new video games to keep him occupied while I drag him all over town, who was I to not give him what he needs! Isn't that illegal?But suddenly, I snap back to reality.... and of course, the reality came after I already had the 2 new games, PLUS a new DS Lite (because I felt so guilty!) sitting on the front seat of the car!! That little brat was only manipulating me! Pure, evil, 9 year old manipulation. And I bought it. Every pleading word........WAIT!!!!! I wanna be June again! I miss her! Where are you June? I need you! Come back to me! Give me the Cleaver wisdom again! I'm begging!!But she is gone. Gone for good. I don't know if I'll ever see her again....... How I must have let June down.God how I love the manipulation of children. Gives you a great feeling, to know that you can be bought, just like that.... but in the end, all the warm kisses, and sweet hugs, our "snuggles", and the 101 "I love yous" through the course of a day, make it every bit of it, completely, and utterly worth it. So go on perfect June, I don't need you any longer. In 5 minutes, my son will be up, laying on the couch with me, telling me ove an over how much he loves me...... then I'll make those dang home made pancakes, and they'll be better than yours, June. A lot better. And afterwards, my little manipulative angel, will venture off into his room to play his new games, and I'll be free to lay around and do nothing.... just how a Saturday morning should be!& I'll keep tellling myself that.... on Mondays, and Tuesdays, and Thursdays and Fridays...... every back handspring my daughter takes, every back tuck, every stunt. I'll just keep on saying it. Every out of town trip, those 7 hour car rides in the middle of nowhere, heading to some other city for another competition, I'll still be saying it. Not convincing, just reminding. And when we're at practice, and I glance over at my little boy, contently sitting quietly with his new games, I'll think about his innocent, child-like manipulation. And if won't even matter..... he's being quiet.and THAT, is what's most important, when your husband is laying on the beach, 1/2 way around the world......
So long, June Cleaver - I'm ELIZABETH and proud.
So long, June Cleaver - I'm ELIZABETH and proud.
And Justice For All?
It's 10:00 ish on Monday night. The phone rings. "Hello?", I cautiously answer. (we don't believe in the power of caller I.D. at my house, so we never know who's calling) At the other end of my phone line, is a man's voice. He wants to know if I am the mother of my daughter. My first xanax induced sleepy thought, is "DUH, who else would her mother be you idiot??".... but then I slowly realize, that this just might not be good. Did I hear him say, this is Officer sombody or another?......No, surely not. My daughter is 2 streets over watching a movie with her boyfriend.But, then again, I swear to God this strange man calling my house this late at night, DID say something about calling from the Police Station. OH UH-UH!! A parents worst nightmare, has just rang my line. This is totally not happening. As if I don't already have enough going on! My first thoughts begin to flood my into my mind. I can't think!! As long as she isn't dead, I won't be mad for whatever stupid thing she's done. Please God, don't let her be dead. I can handle anything else. Not that............."Is she alright?", I ask, officer Billy Bob, trying to sound as calm, and as normal as any other person would be at that moment. And then, the moment comes.... "Yes ma'am, she's fine. She's just in a bit of trouble. We need you to come down here and pick her up.""What?!" Oh Heck no! Did you say trouble? Here I am, 500 thousand thoughts racing through my mind, worried over her safety, and you just said TROUBLE???? Well, if she wasn't dead already, then she was about to be, and actually, I think I will be able handle it! Crap! For a split second, I forget that Keith is 21,000 thousand miles away, and I am the single parent of 2 kids, ONE of which is in the bed asleep, and then obviously, the other is at the FREAKING POLICE STATION! Now I have to drag my son down there with me....."Mom, where are we going??" Nowhere, just get your shoes on and get in the car..... (a.d.h.d kicks in): "But moooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, I wannaaaaaaaaaaaa know where we are goooooooooooing!!!" Be quiet. "How much lonnnnnnnger????" Be quiet. "It's soooo dark! Looook at the moon!" Be quiet. I wonder what the temperature of the moon is?! Do you know, mom? Be quiet "MOM!!!!!!!! Where are we GOING??" To go get your 15 year old sister out of JAIL!!!!!!! NOW BE QUIET! "Oh....Ok". Finally, silence.I arrive at the offices of our small town's, world reknowned, vice headquarters, and find the parking lot to be quite interesting. I count cars. 1, 2, 3 town cops, 1 deputy, the boyfriends moms car, friends moms car... Dang, what the heck have they done? This was the big time! It was straight out of Miami Vice, just without all the great looking guys and the pretty ocean views. A real live scene from Cops. I immediately start humming, "bad boy bad boy, whatcha gonna do?", then quickly realize that it's just doesn't seem appropriate right this second.As I enter the station, that's about the size of a bread box, I'm directed to where the little deliquents are seated. I put on my mean face. The really mean one. And then I see her. And she's alive and kicking, sitting there not a care in the world, not the least little bit of remorse written on her face. Whatever she and her friends had done, she wasn't the least bit worried about it. Smiling at me as if I should be proud of the fact that I'm staring at her square in the face, her hair is dyed purple, and we are at the police stationin the middle of the night. Not a single care. Not even a little bit. My idiot child, has been stealing street signs, and rolling houses. There's the sign laying right there. Summer Trail."GOOD JOB....... Nice purple hair", I say to her. Not sure where to go from there. Just pissed that I should be in bed, and here I am with the Haughton 5.0.... Well, we finally make it home..... I'm going to let this sink in, before I respond. And over the course of a few days, I realize, that she has NO remorse. None. Could not care less. As a matter of fact, she claims it was the best night of her life! These are her words, exactly... "Hey mom, I know it's not cool and all, and I have never done anything like this before, but just think about it... In one night, I went rolling, dyed my hair purple, and went to jail for felony theft!!" Is she kidding me?? When all the others were crying, and terrified, MY daughter prays to God to give her "caring" feelings so her mom will go easy on her!!!! She tells officer Billy Bob that the ONLY way he can make her cry, is with freaking pepper spray in her eyes! Wtf?? Is she a sociopath? I ask her that....Finally, I think that I'm getting through to her, giving her the talk about what's right and wrong...she seems to be responding a tad bit. Maybe I can get through to her. It's not about all the homeless street signs, its the fact that you took something that is NOT yours. Get it? It's called stealing. Sure, everyone wants a street sign to hang in their room. And I'm sure that all the street signs of the world are just sitting there on their poles waiting to be rescued by all the youth of our country. Saving them from the heat and cold, and all the weather related atrocities they have to deal with. But, you just can't do it. End of story. (yeah, a little too late, probably) But, I think I'm having an impact on her. When all of a sudden, after 15 minutes of silence, my angel looks at me, and says......"Mom, ..... I AM going to get that sign again!"
Driving Home
The other day, I was driving home from work & I began to think. Crazy, I know! But there I was, driving and thinking, thinking and driving. Wondering if I would remember to get that dang trash out to the street. Wondering if I would have the energy to clean my bathroom. Wondering, what new color to paint my toenails. My days are long. My kids are bad, and my husband's deployed.But then I started thinking about my Prada purse and how much I love that black satchel of leather. Each sand colored thread sewn lovingly and painstakingly together for my pure pleasure. To spend eternity, hanging on my shoulder as if it's a part my own body. Does it matter, really, that I tote around a $1900.00 purse to the local grocery store in the podunk, hicksville town that I live in? Does it matter, that I always turn it around backwards so the people standing behind me in line at the Wal-Mart can see it? Probably not. But it IS a Prada. And it's beautiful. And it's all mine!So there I am, driving along. Pot hole after pot hole. I'm thinking. Wondering how I, a somewhat successful person, but not really grown up yet, ended up with a Prada purse. Fifteen years ago, I was 18, single with a newborn baby girl on my hip. Living off the system on foodstamps and government cheese. Oh, it was pretty good cheese, by your typical cheese standards. But I wanted something more. Alot more! Better cheese!Fast forward to present time: Married, 2 kids. Both of them bad, but incredibly cute. And I realize, who CARES how I got here?! I am here! And I have traded in those food stamps for Purses! Who cares how many days and nights I had to struggle to survive? I have arrived! And although my life is extremely stressful, I couldn't really ask for more. Well, except for maybe $500 million, a yacht in the Carribean, and mountaintop villa in the Alps, and the deed to the Tiffany's store in NYC. Oh, and Jessica Simpsons body. But for now, I'll settle for her shoes!I pull into the garage, and my drive is complete. As I walk into my house that is completely trashed, I fall into my couch, exhausted from my day. Nothing exciting, nothing special. Nancy Grace talking about whatever on the T.V. I can't even see the coffee table. Head phones, starburst wrappers, couple of remotes, 3 movies from the hill billy video store and a box of Milk Duds. And where are my counters? Did the kids not see the thief who broke in and stole them right off of the cabinets?Tiredness sets in, as I pull my lazy butt out of the couch. I begin to clean up the mess.... then I notice the most important thing of all! My counters are granite! They are! Shiny, brown and black, beautiful granite....And as I get out my Clorox wipes bought at the Dollar General Store for a buck, I clean them off. Slowly, meticulously & obsessive compulsively, clean them off.Peace envelops me. I let my mind fill with the beauty of those black and brown specks, so cold on my hand. The thought, that tommorow, I can get up and put that black purse back on my shoulder, and hold my head up.....This isn't just any old life. It's my life. For a second, I'm in my own little counter top fantasy. Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb" is playing in my head. Almost half asleep, my hand reaches for my purse..... and my PILL BOTTLE.I take a valium, because now I have to figure out how to pay for all this crap!!
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