How To Thumb Your Nose At A Tornado!

So yeah..... living in Louisiana we have our fair share of tornados. Maybe not as many as Dorothy and her little red slippers, but we do get quite a few. Tornados fascinate me really. I love weather, it excites me! Usually, down here, we get crazy weather in the Spring. Ironically it usually falls on Easter weekend, I suppose it's God's little way of saying "hello, you've been a naughty little girl haven't you?" Hell, who knows.... I don't claim to have life's answers, I just break the rules. Just sayin...

Last Thursday, out of nowhere, we got about 7 tornados all within about a 10 mile radius. Not to mention about 75 inches of rain. Levees broke, homes were flooded, and schools were closed. But last Thursday night, during this horrific event, what do I do? Yep, you guessed it! I played on Facebook, giving my own little weather updates, basically mocking what the forecasters were saying. And actually, I set a new Facebook record, receiving almost 400 posts on one status update.... in two hours. I'm just that good, really. I'm a Facebook celebrity, or at least that's what my friends tell me, if you will.

So I've composed a list, of some "things" YOU can do, when faced with a Tornado and you just don't wanna hunker down in such a confined space of like, uh, your closet!! :) So here you go, just my funny take on having fabulous effed up time in a Tornado!

1. Stand in your driveway listening for a "freight train". When you hear it, wish like hell you actually lived near some railroad tracks.... :)

2. Eat an entire box of Ding Dong's that you snatch out of your terrified little children's hands.... :)

3. Drink...heavily. Booze makes it all better. :)

4. Play on the internet all night long, ignoring what they say on TV. Assuming you still have power.... :)

5. If your power goes out, break out your METAL ladder and climb up your electric pole and try to jimmy that shit back on.... :)

6. Get out your kite, attach a bunch of keys to the tail, head for the nearest open field for some fun.... :)

7. Climb a cell tower to get a better view.... the taller the better. :)

8. Drink some more... :)

9. Refuse to get away from windows and/or glass - REBEL from it all! :)

10. Take your kids to the park - you'll have the swings and slides all to yourself! :)

11. Think like "The Matrix".... there IS no tornado. :)

12. Wish you lived in a trailer park so finally, you can see some damn ACTION.... :)

13. Tell all your friends and family that you're all about to die.... :)

14. Call Kanye West and tell him you really enjoyed the Grammys! :)

15. Sit outside in your vehicle to keep your phones charging... you just gotta stay connected to Facebook, right??? :)

16. After drinking quite a bit, get your friends together and dress up like zombies to scare the Tornados away... :)

17. Head out for a leisurely drive.... WITH your kids! :)

18. Make up lies about the destruction of certain buildings in your town and also that people are looting and shit. Post it on Facebook and then laugh at what happens next.... :)

19. Leave your children at home unattended, to go buy more booze and smokes.... :)

20. Call the Post Office and demand your mail be delivered on time! STAT! :)

21. Laugh at your friends who just told you that they recently canceled their flood insurance.... :)

22. Live a little, and smoke crack.... unlike the Tornados, it really WONT kill you! :)

23. Make fun of the local newscasters - on whatever social networking site you use. Do it simutaneously, as they report, so do you! :)

24. Defy nature... take your family to dinner. :)

25. Stand in your front yard, with the winds howling around you as you hear that freight train coming.... and raise two arms up as high as you can, and FLIP IT THE EFFING BIRD!!!!!!! :)

26. Prank call people and tell them that there's been a terrible mistake.... there isn't really a Tornado. Call them back 5 minutes later and say, "Just kidding!!!! TAKE COVER NOW!" :)

27. Call your family and friends, and tell them that you, along with them, just died and everyone's in Hell together.... :)

28. Laugh when you think about the next day, when you'll be driving around local neighborhoods with your camera taking pictures but not offering to help anyone.... :)

29. Find the worst damaged area possible and get out of your car. Walk up to folks and say, "Damn, your shit is way more fucked up than mine!" Then laugh get back in your car and leave... :)

30. Laugh at your spouse as he lies sleeping and snoring soundly on the couch nearby.... and think to yourself, "I wonder if he knows he's about to die???" Then tell all your friends you thought such a thing, so they can laugh too! :)

32. Blame the weather on Al-Queda... :)

33. Take all the credit for the destruction of the downtown Methodist's churches steeple collapsing by saying, "That steeple stuff, yeah.... that was me"  :)

34. Post on Facebook that you are glad that church's steeple didn't fall on YOU, like it did to that one guy, cause you are NOT in the mood to hear no damn "I told you so's!!!" :)

35. Take the credit for ALL the weather, and say "See what happens when I get angry!?" :)

36. Threaten the local pizza place with legal action, when even THEY are smart enough to stay off the roads during this catastrophic weather and refuse to deliver your food.... :)

37. Never actually do ANY of this, because when the next Tornado rips through your town, God will seriously see to it that you get paid back tenfold.... same as he's gonna do to me, for having such wicked thoughts..... :)


Here's to a tornado coming your way, enjoy!

Elizabeth
p.s. Feel FREE to add your take and or other things to do in my comment section, you don't have to be a subscriber to comment me, so go ahead cuz you know you want to. :)


*I would personally like to thank the following Facebookers, who are not only my friends, but are almost as sick and as twisted as me.... almost. Thank you guys for a GREAT night of fun and 383 comments!
~Tracy Agostini
~Randy Yorba
~Kim Yorba (who didn't post cuz I didnt get the request until afterwards, but was there in spirit!!) Muah!
~Deanna Fallon Antee
~Bryan Doles
~Debbie Fulmer Huckaby
~Amanda Camille Gates
~Ronny C. Lynn
~Trista Kempf Fredieu
~Sherry Roche
~Eric Farquhar
~Kim Farquhar
~Dondi Wilson
~Kenneth Webb
~Amy Navarre Herlant
~Scott Griner
~Melissa Brown Hayden
~Mr. Ray Thorn (who actually didn't post, but was working behind the scenes with me making stuff up!)